This day does not go by un-marked, un-appriciated, unnoticed. This Sunday before the weekend-before-Labor-Day... No matter what is going on in my life. No matter what I have to do or get done. No matter where I am.
Time stops on this day. Held in remembrance and a vague sense of awe. Of things unfinished, and almost un-begun.
This day, seven years ago, when the first puzzle piece dropped into place, and I remembered what I already knew. I don't even know what the trigger was: a smell, a small indiscernible sound, the rhythmic clack of the 1 train. And the pictures played in slideshow formation in the blur of darkness outside the train window. My story being retold to me. The first flashback...
And the world I had so comfortably created began to fall around me. My tower crashing down until there was nothing but reality... My reality. A reality revealed all at once, in little tiny bits.
And from the rubble something new arose... Phoenix like, but with the fire within, to try to change what has been. To burn light into dark corners and shed secrets like skin. The beautiful truth that life always springs from every little death.
And on this seventh day of remembrance a new completion comes. Seven... the number of perfection, of completion, of an ending leading to a new beginning... Trepidation of new overshadowed by the beauty of all that has transpired. That the completing continues. Awake to all that was before, I awaken now to the wonder of all that is around me... And the wonder of things unseen.
"I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend"
-'Wide Awake' by Katy Perry
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Survival of the Fittest?
This isn't going to be a long post... I just wanted to share this article.
If you are a survivor, please read with care and caution, as it has a few potential triggers. It speaks of the need, as a society, for us to protect our species by protecting our young from predators... From those that prey upon children for their own gratification. It speaks of how most evolved animals do not tolerate those that kill or ignore their young, but humans, the most evolved of all, do.
The most amazing thing to me? This article was written in 1998, and is STILL relevant today. It should be more outdated... We should be a society that cares for our children better... And we still do not. Incest and child abuse in all it's various forms are still the secrets we keep. They are still the things that, as adults, we are told to just get over. Yet it's true, the damage done by abuse creates damaged adults who often cannot care for their young, or choose not to have any, or worst of all, abuse others. Maybe if we begin to see that this cycle could actually DESTROY OUR SPECIES... Maybe then we'll begin to do a little more about it.
If you are a survivor, please read with care and caution, as it has a few potential triggers. It speaks of the need, as a society, for us to protect our species by protecting our young from predators... From those that prey upon children for their own gratification. It speaks of how most evolved animals do not tolerate those that kill or ignore their young, but humans, the most evolved of all, do.
The most amazing thing to me? This article was written in 1998, and is STILL relevant today. It should be more outdated... We should be a society that cares for our children better... And we still do not. Incest and child abuse in all it's various forms are still the secrets we keep. They are still the things that, as adults, we are told to just get over. Yet it's true, the damage done by abuse creates damaged adults who often cannot care for their young, or choose not to have any, or worst of all, abuse others. Maybe if we begin to see that this cycle could actually DESTROY OUR SPECIES... Maybe then we'll begin to do a little more about it.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Chick-Fil-A
Unless you have been kept away from the internet, or, I presume, television, you probably have heard the uproar over Chick-Fil-A. (I say 'I presume' about the T.V., because I don't really watch it anymore, so I don't know if it's been on the news.) Depending on your personal views and the part of the country you live in, you have probably formed some sort of opinion about this current controversy.
(Which has somehow over-shadowed the tragedy in Colorado... Which I think is a way of deflecting our fear... Which is why I think people are so up in arms right now... But that's not what this blog is about.)
Both sides of the gay-marriage, gay-equality, gay-rights issue believe they're right. And both are so sure of themselves... And so sure of the 'evilness' of the other side... That they cannot, and will not, hear each other out. And the din is so noisy, the back-biting so vicious, that honestly, I think 50 years down the road we will blush at what we have said and done to one another in the name of 'right'.
I have the wonderfully unique position of having lived in a very conservative state and a very liberal state. I have friends across the country who fall all along the continuum on this issue. And while I hold the belief that homosexuality is not wrong, and that even if you believe it is, you shouldn't take legal action to prevent gay marriage, I respect that others have differing opinions. I believe that I cannot make anyone else believe as I do, and if I want to air my beliefs, I have to allow them to do the same. If I expect respect, I must give it.
I was given that respect by other friends... Because there was a time I would have damned you to hell myself for being gay, or having an abortion, or checking out a woman's ass in line at the super market. I was judgmental and harsh and not at all the example of Jesus that I read about. Thankfully, I was not written off, by these friends or my loving wonderful God. I spread hate. And now I realize that. And now I try to spread love. And it took a long personal Journey to get here.
That Journey was so important to my growth as a person, and I wouldn't deny anyone else their own Journey. And if I yell my beliefs in the faces of others who are not in the same place I am, then I cause them to shut down and stop growing in whichever way they need to grow for their personal Journey. And I don't get to decide if that growth is in a direction that I would like to have them go. They have their own Journey and their own decisions to make... I cannot tell them which decision, which belief, is right for them.
This doesn't mean that I don't share what I believe. It doesn't mean I don't speak out about injustice when I see it. It just means that I recognize that pushing my belief on someone else gets me no where but alone, and anger and resentment get me nothing but frustrated.
So now we circle back to Chick-Fil-A. I personally didn't eat there anyway... Fast food is far too dangerous for the Gluten-intolerant, and I try to stay away from eating animal products as much as possible. But now I will not eat there, ever... Even if they come out with the most amazing Gluten-free, vegan thing I've ever seen! It's a personal decision... and not one based on the fact that the CEO said in interviews that he believes in traditional marriage... He can believe that all he wants, and as long a he isn't discriminatory in the practices in his stores, I just don't care.
I won't give money to Chick-Fil-A, because then that money might go to organizations that, under the name of the God I love, hate on many of the people that I love. Over $2 million of this companies money has already been funneled into organizations I don't agree with; many of which have actually earned the label "hate group." Ex-gay and anti-gay 'ministries' have wounded many beautiful souls in their desire (and I think a desire they believe is born of love) to help 'cure' homosexuality. Reparative therapies and pray-away-the-gay tactics have caused many to fall into deep depressions when they just can't be 'normal.' And MANY of these lovely and conflicted people have taken their own lives out of despair. Often kids are sent away from home, against their own will, to be given this sort of therapy. This is a destructive pattern that must stop... All life is precious, and I will not give my money to a company that funds these types of organizations.
(And I'm not spouting rhetoric here, I've personally seen what this kind of therapy does to people. I've seen the despair when someone has done all they can to "not be gay" and has to choose between a sort of hell-on-earth half-life, or, the hell of a different sort if they cannot change. And I was a part of perpetuating this pain not too long ago.)
I think that if you are a gay adult who truly believes that God abhors homosexuality and wants you to change, then you should go ahead and follow your beliefs. But I think this purported change should not include reparative or aversion therapy or any other sort of shaming tactics. Shame is not of God. (Humility is... but never shame. Humility builds love and compassion. Shame sends you into spirals of despair and self-destructiveness.)
So, to my friends on the conservative side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the liberal side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you. Speak calmly, compassionately, and with the understanding that God's love extends to everyone. Make your choices and stand up for your beliefs, but not at the expense of another. Many liberal people I know cannot even talk about the possibility of God because they have felt so attacked by conservative Christianity. And get to really know someone who is gay. Realize their humanity. If you do, you may begin to see that they have many of the same desires for love and comfort and friendship that you do. Remember that Jesus spoke against the hypocrisy of the religious leaders of his day, while extending his hand to the rough-and-tumble of society: fishermen, tax collectors and prostitutes. We are ALL children of God... Make peace with your brothers and sisters on 'the other side.'
To my friends on the liberal side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the conservative side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you.
Many in the conservative Christian world see the tactics of the liberal left as bullying and discriminatory toward religious freedoms. Befriend those who believe differently from you and treat them with all the love and kindness you can muster. Treat them the way you expect them to treat you! I think the left needs to begin to realize that this war of words that is put out there daily is off-putting to the right. Be the bigger person, and show 'the other side' that you are a beautiful important human with light and love to give the world. Become the change you want to see in the world. If we believe that gay marriage is about love, then we have to show the world how well we can love!
So, I pick a 'side', I suppose.
But only in the hopes that somewhere down the road there won't be a side to choose. That somewhere down the road, we choose to bring peace, and hope, and above all, love, into the center of our differences. To understand that, though we are all wonderfully unique, we are also all wonderfully the same. We are all lovely little pieces of humanity, journeying together... trying to work out our lives... our spirituality and morality and mortality... in the best way we know how. And what we really need, what we really crave, is compassion, understanding, and the freedom to make our own choices. What we really need is to give love, and to be loved equally in return. Be a catalyst of love and light up your world... Heaven knows we need it.
I love you all.
K
"Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
(Which has somehow over-shadowed the tragedy in Colorado... Which I think is a way of deflecting our fear... Which is why I think people are so up in arms right now... But that's not what this blog is about.)
Both sides of the gay-marriage, gay-equality, gay-rights issue believe they're right. And both are so sure of themselves... And so sure of the 'evilness' of the other side... That they cannot, and will not, hear each other out. And the din is so noisy, the back-biting so vicious, that honestly, I think 50 years down the road we will blush at what we have said and done to one another in the name of 'right'.
I have the wonderfully unique position of having lived in a very conservative state and a very liberal state. I have friends across the country who fall all along the continuum on this issue. And while I hold the belief that homosexuality is not wrong, and that even if you believe it is, you shouldn't take legal action to prevent gay marriage, I respect that others have differing opinions. I believe that I cannot make anyone else believe as I do, and if I want to air my beliefs, I have to allow them to do the same. If I expect respect, I must give it.
I was given that respect by other friends... Because there was a time I would have damned you to hell myself for being gay, or having an abortion, or checking out a woman's ass in line at the super market. I was judgmental and harsh and not at all the example of Jesus that I read about. Thankfully, I was not written off, by these friends or my loving wonderful God. I spread hate. And now I realize that. And now I try to spread love. And it took a long personal Journey to get here.
That Journey was so important to my growth as a person, and I wouldn't deny anyone else their own Journey. And if I yell my beliefs in the faces of others who are not in the same place I am, then I cause them to shut down and stop growing in whichever way they need to grow for their personal Journey. And I don't get to decide if that growth is in a direction that I would like to have them go. They have their own Journey and their own decisions to make... I cannot tell them which decision, which belief, is right for them.
This doesn't mean that I don't share what I believe. It doesn't mean I don't speak out about injustice when I see it. It just means that I recognize that pushing my belief on someone else gets me no where but alone, and anger and resentment get me nothing but frustrated.
So now we circle back to Chick-Fil-A. I personally didn't eat there anyway... Fast food is far too dangerous for the Gluten-intolerant, and I try to stay away from eating animal products as much as possible. But now I will not eat there, ever... Even if they come out with the most amazing Gluten-free, vegan thing I've ever seen! It's a personal decision... and not one based on the fact that the CEO said in interviews that he believes in traditional marriage... He can believe that all he wants, and as long a he isn't discriminatory in the practices in his stores, I just don't care.
I won't give money to Chick-Fil-A, because then that money might go to organizations that, under the name of the God I love, hate on many of the people that I love. Over $2 million of this companies money has already been funneled into organizations I don't agree with; many of which have actually earned the label "hate group." Ex-gay and anti-gay 'ministries' have wounded many beautiful souls in their desire (and I think a desire they believe is born of love) to help 'cure' homosexuality. Reparative therapies and pray-away-the-gay tactics have caused many to fall into deep depressions when they just can't be 'normal.' And MANY of these lovely and conflicted people have taken their own lives out of despair. Often kids are sent away from home, against their own will, to be given this sort of therapy. This is a destructive pattern that must stop... All life is precious, and I will not give my money to a company that funds these types of organizations.
(And I'm not spouting rhetoric here, I've personally seen what this kind of therapy does to people. I've seen the despair when someone has done all they can to "not be gay" and has to choose between a sort of hell-on-earth half-life, or, the hell of a different sort if they cannot change. And I was a part of perpetuating this pain not too long ago.)
I think that if you are a gay adult who truly believes that God abhors homosexuality and wants you to change, then you should go ahead and follow your beliefs. But I think this purported change should not include reparative or aversion therapy or any other sort of shaming tactics. Shame is not of God. (Humility is... but never shame. Humility builds love and compassion. Shame sends you into spirals of despair and self-destructiveness.)
So, to my friends on the conservative side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the liberal side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you. Speak calmly, compassionately, and with the understanding that God's love extends to everyone. Make your choices and stand up for your beliefs, but not at the expense of another. Many liberal people I know cannot even talk about the possibility of God because they have felt so attacked by conservative Christianity. And get to really know someone who is gay. Realize their humanity. If you do, you may begin to see that they have many of the same desires for love and comfort and friendship that you do. Remember that Jesus spoke against the hypocrisy of the religious leaders of his day, while extending his hand to the rough-and-tumble of society: fishermen, tax collectors and prostitutes. We are ALL children of God... Make peace with your brothers and sisters on 'the other side.'
To my friends on the liberal side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the conservative side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you.
Many in the conservative Christian world see the tactics of the liberal left as bullying and discriminatory toward religious freedoms. Befriend those who believe differently from you and treat them with all the love and kindness you can muster. Treat them the way you expect them to treat you! I think the left needs to begin to realize that this war of words that is put out there daily is off-putting to the right. Be the bigger person, and show 'the other side' that you are a beautiful important human with light and love to give the world. Become the change you want to see in the world. If we believe that gay marriage is about love, then we have to show the world how well we can love!
So, I pick a 'side', I suppose.
But only in the hopes that somewhere down the road there won't be a side to choose. That somewhere down the road, we choose to bring peace, and hope, and above all, love, into the center of our differences. To understand that, though we are all wonderfully unique, we are also all wonderfully the same. We are all lovely little pieces of humanity, journeying together... trying to work out our lives... our spirituality and morality and mortality... in the best way we know how. And what we really need, what we really crave, is compassion, understanding, and the freedom to make our own choices. What we really need is to give love, and to be loved equally in return. Be a catalyst of love and light up your world... Heaven knows we need it.
I love you all.
K
"Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A Butterfly Awakes
Hello!
I'm back from the mini hiatus, and it looks like I will NOT be picking up where I left off. I've had some realizations lately, that make the search for purpose in this time of transition a bit of a moot point.
You see, the transition is the current purpose. What I am doing in each moment of my life, of my day, IS that moment's purpose. My purpose right now is to sit here, on the edge of my bed, typing and listening to classical music. My purpose later will be to go to work. My purpose is to continue the transition into a new and better being. And really, my purpose is to become free of the need for purpose.
If I spend all my time searching for purpose then my only purpose is to search for purpose. I just simply want to be. To always find myself fully engaged in each second of NOW. Because in the end, now is all I ever have. Now is the only place I have ever been. Now is the only thing guaranteed. The past is a collection of stories. The future is a tale not yet told. Now is what matters.
I'll still use some moments to tell the stories of the past, in the hopes that they will make a difference in someone else's now. And I'll use many present moments in the service of a wonderful future. But the moment that matters is this one. That is how I can live a life free of regrets. That is how I can live a life that will inspire. That is how I can truly LIVE.
Yesterday was a day spent in the now. I let each moment take me naturally into the next. I tried to stay present with what was happening and not let what "I need to do next" get in the way. (This kind of living takes practice, and I'm still definitely a beginner!)
I followed my instincts with each step I took and ended up, after a rather full day, on the pier off of 70th street. (It has a number, Pier_____, but I'm not sure what it is.) This is a pier that 'past me' spent much time on. There were moments of happiness and love, and moments of sheer darkness. Every time I have returned to this pier, I have felt all the feelings of the past: all the joy, and all the pain.
A new me walked out onto that pier yesterday. I felt only the joy of the moment... The Hudson still a little pink with the last rays of sunset, the cool evening breezes and the laughter of pre-adolescents so recently released into a new summer of freedom. I knew that the memories of the past moments on the pier were with me, but they did not intrude upon the present. And the darkness? The deep pain that used to haunt me should I return to this place?
It is gone. There was no more darkness. I will never again walk out above those murky waters and wish to be enveloped by them. I want life. Like a butterfly released from it's cocoon, the caterpillar I once was does not exist anymore. That old me is just a story from the past. A story that holds no sway over now. A story that doesn't define me. My being is safe and happy. Filled with joy that comes from deep within, I was able to leave the pier with peace and the freedom to greet the next moment.
This video is a perfect reflection of my now.
Here's to being fully awake.
I'm back from the mini hiatus, and it looks like I will NOT be picking up where I left off. I've had some realizations lately, that make the search for purpose in this time of transition a bit of a moot point.
You see, the transition is the current purpose. What I am doing in each moment of my life, of my day, IS that moment's purpose. My purpose right now is to sit here, on the edge of my bed, typing and listening to classical music. My purpose later will be to go to work. My purpose is to continue the transition into a new and better being. And really, my purpose is to become free of the need for purpose.
If I spend all my time searching for purpose then my only purpose is to search for purpose. I just simply want to be. To always find myself fully engaged in each second of NOW. Because in the end, now is all I ever have. Now is the only place I have ever been. Now is the only thing guaranteed. The past is a collection of stories. The future is a tale not yet told. Now is what matters.
I'll still use some moments to tell the stories of the past, in the hopes that they will make a difference in someone else's now. And I'll use many present moments in the service of a wonderful future. But the moment that matters is this one. That is how I can live a life free of regrets. That is how I can live a life that will inspire. That is how I can truly LIVE.
Yesterday was a day spent in the now. I let each moment take me naturally into the next. I tried to stay present with what was happening and not let what "I need to do next" get in the way. (This kind of living takes practice, and I'm still definitely a beginner!)
I followed my instincts with each step I took and ended up, after a rather full day, on the pier off of 70th street. (It has a number, Pier_____, but I'm not sure what it is.) This is a pier that 'past me' spent much time on. There were moments of happiness and love, and moments of sheer darkness. Every time I have returned to this pier, I have felt all the feelings of the past: all the joy, and all the pain.
A new me walked out onto that pier yesterday. I felt only the joy of the moment... The Hudson still a little pink with the last rays of sunset, the cool evening breezes and the laughter of pre-adolescents so recently released into a new summer of freedom. I knew that the memories of the past moments on the pier were with me, but they did not intrude upon the present. And the darkness? The deep pain that used to haunt me should I return to this place?
It is gone. There was no more darkness. I will never again walk out above those murky waters and wish to be enveloped by them. I want life. Like a butterfly released from it's cocoon, the caterpillar I once was does not exist anymore. That old me is just a story from the past. A story that holds no sway over now. A story that doesn't define me. My being is safe and happy. Filled with joy that comes from deep within, I was able to leave the pier with peace and the freedom to greet the next moment.
This video is a perfect reflection of my now.
Here's to being fully awake.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Hit the Pause Button
Hey guys!
Just wanted to leave a quick note to let you know that, for a few days, I have to put a hold on my "Purpose/Transition" questions. I have several friends in town, and I want to focus my energies on spending quality time with them. The questions will return on Monday!
I feel like it's such an important thing to sometimes stop the things you have scheduled and just BE with people you love. All the things you "have to do" will wait a day or two.
See you in a day or two. (Or four!)
Just wanted to leave a quick note to let you know that, for a few days, I have to put a hold on my "Purpose/Transition" questions. I have several friends in town, and I want to focus my energies on spending quality time with them. The questions will return on Monday!
I feel like it's such an important thing to sometimes stop the things you have scheduled and just BE with people you love. All the things you "have to do" will wait a day or two.
See you in a day or two. (Or four!)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Gratitude
I love today's blog. I think gratitude is possibly the most important part about changing your life. If you can find even one thing to be grateful for, even in the most dark of times, then you can access hope.
I want to challenge you to list what you are grateful for. It's incredibly inspiring. And it seems that the more gratitude you have, the more you find to be grateful for. And that gratitude flows out into everything you do. It's infectious. Others will catch it. A beautiful circle, a cycle, a sequence of gratitude begins, and never ends.
What are you grateful for?!?
6. Express any gratitude you may feel in this present situation.
-I am grateful that I am healthy.
-I am grateful that I am loved.
-I am grateful for the many sources of positive guidance in my life.
-I am grateful for my best friend. The sister of my soul that I spent the first 19 years of my life searching for. I am grateful that quest was successful.
-I am grateful for ALL my wonderful friends, and their constant support.
-I am grateful for my family, without whom, I would not be who I am becoming now. The timing and placement of my birth among you was preplanned and fortuitous.
-I am grateful for my healthy cats.
-I am grateful for my adorable nieces.
-I am grateful that I get to move to Austin in the foreseeable future.
-I am grateful to get to grow in insight, wisdom, intuition, and power.
-I am grateful for great abundance and wealth.
-I am grateful for New York City and everything living here has taught me.
-I am grateful for a home that I can be comfortable in.
-I am grateful for yummy food.
-I am grateful I am learning to be present in the now… In this moment. And this one. And this…
-I am grateful for the innate gifts I was born with.
-I am grateful for the ability to express myself through the written word; that I am able to use language as a beautiful tool.
-I am grateful I can sing.
-I am grateful I am in intimate relationship with the creator.
I want to challenge you to list what you are grateful for. It's incredibly inspiring. And it seems that the more gratitude you have, the more you find to be grateful for. And that gratitude flows out into everything you do. It's infectious. Others will catch it. A beautiful circle, a cycle, a sequence of gratitude begins, and never ends.
What are you grateful for?!?
Monday, June 11, 2012
Not much to say...
And here comes "day 5"! (This 30 days could last a while.)
5. Vent your grievances about what you're going through.
Only one… I'M SO TIRED!
I mean, seriously, so tired. Sometimes it's just so hard to get up in the morning. And I could nap everyday.
Hehe… This too shall pass, I'm learning to fit into a new physical body and a new spiritual body… It is hard, and rewarding, (and tiring) work!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Opportunity Knocking
I took a day off yesterday, to take care of some life stuff and visit with friends. It was a wonderful day off! Now on to Question 4!
4. What opportunities does your situation offer? What excites you about it?
I have the opportunity to become all that I am meant to be. To explore every hidden place inside and expose them to light. To grow in new directions.
I have the opportunity to ignite the flame of passion within me, and then to pass that candle on to others.
I have the opportunity to challenge myself. To inspire myself. And by so doing, to inspire others.
I have the opportunity to give freely back to God, to the Universe, to myself, and to those closest to me.
I have the opportunity to simply BE.
All of this excites me. I'm excited to become more fully me, more fully who I'm supposed to be!
What opportunities are presenting themselves in your current situation?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Release Fear
Three in a row... So far, so good!
What fears do you need to release?
3. What fears do you have in this situation?
Part of what I'm learning in this period of intense growth is the release of fear, so this question is rather complicated for me. I initially want to say that I have none.
I guess in the broad sense I don't have any specifically related to these transitions, but I do have some "secondary fears."
First would be the typical fear of "failing," or in this case, of losing the momentum I have gained and slipping back into old habits. Of making the same bad lifestyle choices I used to make. But I'm seeing more and more that the Journey toward wholeness NEEDS slip-backs. I need to mess up a few times to have actual proof that the new ways work better, and make me feel and behave better, than the old ways.
The other big fear would be the what-others-think-about-this fear. This has more to do with the spiritual changes I'm undergoing. I was raised extremely fundamentalist Christian. And I'm beginning to believe many things about God and the universe that are extremely NOT fundamentalist. These new insights are bringing me into closer relationship with the Divine, with my Purpose, and with my place in the Universe. But they're not beliefs that will be widely accepted by many of my nearest and dearest. I guess I fear their complete rejection of me as begin to grow more confident (and more vocal) in my new beliefs.
Hmm...
Writing this has made me realize something…
These are not new beliefs.
These are not ideas that I've randomly picked up. They are thoughts and impressions and insights that I have always had. Questions I wanted to ask even as a young child. Things I wanted to discuss as an adolescent. But I didn't. Because if you question too much, if you allow yourself to doubt, if you don't believe everything you are told, then you are going to Hell.
In the end, it doesn't matter if other people like what I believe or not. My faith, my spirituality… they are my business. It is MY intimate relationship with the Creator. And just like I wouldn't let someone else into my bedroom during an intimate moment, I don't need to let anyone into that intimate space either.
I think the realization of fears is a necessary step in any change/transition process. If you cannot name and acknowledge what you fear, then you cannot release that fear. And the release of fear is a vital step in growth.
What fears do you need to release?
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
From Another's Perspective
Day 2. I must say, it already feels strange to be posting something every day!
What would you say to me?
2. How would an objective stranger view your situation? Someone who cares deeply for you and your well-being?
I guess that a strangers perspective would depend greatly on the stranger's mindset at the time. If they were on a similar Journey, or had been in the past, then I suppose they would be incredibly encouraging. They would say that I was in the exact right place. They would say that these transitions are an opportunity to find my place in the universe, to give back to mankind, and to filter out the past as a way to be fully in the present moment. They would tell me to work toward honing my intuition and perception, so that I do not miss any of the opportunities presented to me.
A stranger who is on a Journey that is completely different from my own might tell me many different things. Some might not care a bit, and just go on with their lives, expecting me to do the same. Some might be fearful of these changes, and caution me to move forward with care. And some might be so fearful that they would assume I've gone off the deep end… That I've taken things too far and may be doing damage to myself either physically or spiritually.
I think that anyone who cares for me would be encouraging, even if they didn't understand everything about where this Journey is taking me. I've had several people tell me lately that they are so proud of me for how far I've come in the past few months… Changing my eating and enhancing my health, writing a children's book and working toward getting it published, blossoming into the wonderful life-giving soul that I was always meant to be. I don't even always see it, but the ones who truly care do. I guess, in fact, that this would be a great way to gauge whether someone is indeed a true friend. If they believe in me and what I'm doing for my life, then they are worth keeping around!
What would you say to me?
Monday, June 4, 2012
Geronimo!
I'm ready to start my "daily blogging in the pursuit of purpose." To start we'll assess the present, then take a quick jaunt through the past, and move on to ponder a beautiful future. I've borrowed questions posed by many quizzes and journals, and by other purpose seekers. Feel free to answer them as well, and to pose your own to me... I will answer as truthfully as I can.
ALLONS-Y!*
ALLONS-Y!*
1. What is your current situation? What transition(s) are happening in your life right now?
I'm in a constant state of transition these days… So much so, that it is really hard to pinpoint all the specifics.
First, there is physical transition: I'm working hard toward being not only Gluten-Free, but also a refined-sugar-free, chemical-free, organic-when-I-can, at-least-50-percent-raw, Mostly-Vegan. (The mostly being, that, if I'm in a situation where I must eat something animal based, I will NOT be THAT girl… I will not be Trident-face.**) I'm also doing yoga, not every day, but I'm doing it.
As I transition my diet and become more adept at yoga, my body is transitioning as well. It is becoming thinner and stronger. It is doing this painlessly and much more quickly than any diet/exercise plan I've ever tried. Trust me, I have tried many, and spent a lot of money on some of them. I'm learning that, as I make good choices for myself, my body is slowly fitting into it's original shape… The shape I was always meant to be. I am having to learn to think as a 'thin' person, as opposed to a 'fat' person, to help these transitions along smoothly.
These physical changes precipitated a great shift in my consciousness/awareness. I am growing by leaps and bounds spiritually. I'm discovering more about who I am and my purposes here on this planet, this plane of existence. I'm learning about God and the universe and about who human-kind is, and where we are collectively, and where we are going. It's intense and magical and soul changing… and at times extremely difficult. It is always exciting.
These transitions are making me calmer... more positive… more easy-going and easy to be around. They are making me more "me."
These transitions are making me calmer... more positive… more easy-going and easy to be around. They are making me more "me."
That is pretty much the nutshell version of where I am. There will be more detail in subsequent blogs as I answer more self imposed questions!
Love you all!
*French for "Let's go"... The Doctor says it best...
**Trident-face is a sort of inside joke between my best friend and I, pertaining to times when I "can't have something" food-wise... should you happen to know her, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to show you exactly what it looks like!
Love you all!
*French for "Let's go"... The Doctor says it best...
**Trident-face is a sort of inside joke between my best friend and I, pertaining to times when I "can't have something" food-wise... should you happen to know her, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to show you exactly what it looks like!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
"Believe, and you will find your way..."
There have been many changes in my life lately. Subtle, small, normal changes. And deep, soul-sifting, momentum building changes. People moving on, or staying the same. Abundance flowing in. The Spiritual soil long watered at last yielding up it's crop.
And I ride the wave of momentum. Shift my perceptions and sift through the silt of cultural conditioning to find who I am beneath myself. I read. I ponder. I walk. I work.
I dream.
The spirit takes me to places I did not expect. Places a younger me could not have gone. I long to be intrepid, yet trepidation takes me every so often. Steps forward and backward... And always forward again. Always hopeful. Always beautiful.
Through it a sense of purpose begins to unfold... Veiled, shadowy, draped in silken robes of mystery. It reveals itself in bits, a burlesque of the soul. And I revel in the tease. The ebb and flow. The tide that carries me ever closer to the shore that lies at the core of me.
I entreat you to take a Journey with me. A jaunt to the heart of these transitions. Over the next several weeks I'm going to follow a guided journal to seek purpose. It will take me through the past and future to find the truth of now. I will try to blog everyday, but grant me patience... These soul revelations leave the physical body in need of more rest, and I desire to honor the whole of me through this.
Here's to traveling afar in the comfort of your own home!
Peace.
"A Promise lives within you now."
-'May It Be' by Enya
And I ride the wave of momentum. Shift my perceptions and sift through the silt of cultural conditioning to find who I am beneath myself. I read. I ponder. I walk. I work.
I dream.
The spirit takes me to places I did not expect. Places a younger me could not have gone. I long to be intrepid, yet trepidation takes me every so often. Steps forward and backward... And always forward again. Always hopeful. Always beautiful.
Through it a sense of purpose begins to unfold... Veiled, shadowy, draped in silken robes of mystery. It reveals itself in bits, a burlesque of the soul. And I revel in the tease. The ebb and flow. The tide that carries me ever closer to the shore that lies at the core of me.
I entreat you to take a Journey with me. A jaunt to the heart of these transitions. Over the next several weeks I'm going to follow a guided journal to seek purpose. It will take me through the past and future to find the truth of now. I will try to blog everyday, but grant me patience... These soul revelations leave the physical body in need of more rest, and I desire to honor the whole of me through this.
Here's to traveling afar in the comfort of your own home!
Peace.
"A Promise lives within you now."
-'May It Be' by Enya
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Something from Nothing
"I just have nothing to blog about right now!"
This is the declarative statement I made just minutes ago.
It probably isn't the exact truth. No. It's not any sort of truth at all. In actuality there is so much going on internally that I have no idea where to begin or how to sort it all out. I always want to dole out some intense truth... Words of wisdom and strength... Forgetting that usually intense truth/wisdom/strength comes from a simple beginning and lots of honesty.
Honest statements for today:
1. I wish my cats were not so insane. I try to help get rid of their ear mites and am repaid with almost losing an arm.
2. While I don't like working for someone else (I would prefer to work for myself), I know I'm in the right job for me for the time being.
3. Going on a mostly raw diet is amazing, and complicated. My body is getting stronger and healthier. The healthier you are physically, the more open you become spiritually, and this leads to deep growth that is at times difficult, but always beautiful.
4. I really, really, really miss my nieces. All the time. Everyday. I cannot wait until this winter when I will live super close to them and see them all the time! (I miss other family and friends as well, of course. But sorry, none of you are nearly as cute as my three girly-whirlys!)
5. I'm learning to see past "how" people are, to "who" they are.
Actually, that last one will make a great post. That I will try to work on tomorrow: my day off. We shall see, but for today, this is all I have time for.
See you soon, and keep on pushing forward!
This is the declarative statement I made just minutes ago.
It probably isn't the exact truth. No. It's not any sort of truth at all. In actuality there is so much going on internally that I have no idea where to begin or how to sort it all out. I always want to dole out some intense truth... Words of wisdom and strength... Forgetting that usually intense truth/wisdom/strength comes from a simple beginning and lots of honesty.
Honest statements for today:
1. I wish my cats were not so insane. I try to help get rid of their ear mites and am repaid with almost losing an arm.
2. While I don't like working for someone else (I would prefer to work for myself), I know I'm in the right job for me for the time being.
3. Going on a mostly raw diet is amazing, and complicated. My body is getting stronger and healthier. The healthier you are physically, the more open you become spiritually, and this leads to deep growth that is at times difficult, but always beautiful.
4. I really, really, really miss my nieces. All the time. Everyday. I cannot wait until this winter when I will live super close to them and see them all the time! (I miss other family and friends as well, of course. But sorry, none of you are nearly as cute as my three girly-whirlys!)
5. I'm learning to see past "how" people are, to "who" they are.
Actually, that last one will make a great post. That I will try to work on tomorrow: my day off. We shall see, but for today, this is all I have time for.
See you soon, and keep on pushing forward!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
"I want to be enough..."
Hey guys. The blog-spiration just doesn't seem to be flowing right now. I'm prepping to start a 30 day all raw food challenge, though, and I think that will clear A LOT of the brain fuzz. Thursday is another new beginning. For now, I thought I'd share a little poem I wrote last week:
Lightworkers
She vaguely recalls
that she made the deal,
Sealed it with a kiss
of deepest gratitude,
And set off on a Journey
to heal the earth.
She was given no tool or totem,
no magic words or special skill...
Only a light
that flickered and grew wan within,
At every turn threatening
to extinguish -
Leaving her alone
in the blackness.
Still,
on she plunged,
A willing sacrifice
for the souls she loved.
If she could but reach upward,
seize the edge of the heavens,
and pull with all her might
Then all the stars
and all the suns
and all the moons
Would fall among them,
Bringing enough light
for eternal day to shine in each heart.
She knew what,
but not how.
Knowledge crept on cat's feet:
A lesson earned
from the Journey's toll.
If you press forward
toward the what,
The how will be exposed...
Tiny pinpricks of Truth
pointing out the tools to buy -
the totems to build;
Until the time when morning
would ascend from inside the Spirit
and reveal her,
A beacon of love,
A light to guide the path
of the weary souls to follow -
To fulfill their need to hope,
To lead them on
to find their own light within.
-KMJ Liming
Also, this song is really inspiring me right now. Maybe go read my last post, then have a listen!
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah.
- Sara Bareilles "Let the Rain"
Lightworkers
She vaguely recalls
that she made the deal,
Sealed it with a kiss
of deepest gratitude,
And set off on a Journey
to heal the earth.
She was given no tool or totem,
no magic words or special skill...
Only a light
that flickered and grew wan within,
At every turn threatening
to extinguish -
Leaving her alone
in the blackness.
Still,
on she plunged,
A willing sacrifice
for the souls she loved.
If she could but reach upward,
seize the edge of the heavens,
and pull with all her might
Then all the stars
and all the suns
and all the moons
Would fall among them,
Bringing enough light
for eternal day to shine in each heart.
She knew what,
but not how.
Knowledge crept on cat's feet:
A lesson earned
from the Journey's toll.
If you press forward
toward the what,
The how will be exposed...
Tiny pinpricks of Truth
pointing out the tools to buy -
the totems to build;
Until the time when morning
would ascend from inside the Spirit
and reveal her,
A beacon of love,
A light to guide the path
of the weary souls to follow -
To fulfill their need to hope,
To lead them on
to find their own light within.
-KMJ Liming
Also, this song is really inspiring me right now. Maybe go read my last post, then have a listen!
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah.
- Sara Bareilles "Let the Rain"
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Sometimes You Get Caught in the Rain...
Like I did a couple of weeks ago. When I locked the doors at work, it was dry and cool outside. By the time I was done closing and ready to leave, it was raining. No. Pouring.
I'm usually the person who carries an umbrella in her bag, just in case, but my umbrella broke. And assuming that the day would stay as beautiful as it had been that morning, I didn't think to grab one from the house. In fact, I didn't have any sort of jacket with me at all. So I just let the rain happen.
All around me the bar hoppers of the East Village scurried in super high heels and inappropriately tight jeans: just trying to get from awning to awning without running mascara and mused hair. (And failing gloriously, I might add!) And there I was strolling along toward Union Square as though pounds of water were not poring over me.
The way I see it, you can only get so wet. There's no a-little-bit-soaked, or, sort-of-soaked; there is just soaked. And if I was going to be soaked by the time I got to the train, I might as well walk calmly and not fall on my ass as well. Soaked is better than soaked AND bruised.
As I walked, I began to see a comparison to wet weather and truth.
Sometimes we just meander through life with a sunny day mentality: things are going smoothly, and we are content with the truth as is. These are the wonderful calm seasons in life when we can just bask in peace and simply be. Then there are the foggy or snowy times, when we can't see far in front or behind and we must content ourselves with only seeing the next step, and then the next, and then the next: slowly making our way without any surety of where we will end up.
I look at both of these periods as prepping us for growth. The sun warming us and the fog/snow forcing us to slow down. But we cannot stay in either. Too much sunlight, and we whither and dry up; Too much fog, and we become confused and depressed; Too much snow, and our hearts grow cold.
Enter truth... Those life giving, soul affirming little nuggets that we stumble upon that make the journey worth pursuing. The 'pearls of wisdom' that help us grow, make us change, and confirm what we know.
Sometimes they fall in a soft mist, covering us in fine droplets that reveal their secrets slowly over time. Sometimes they come down in small showers throughout the day; opening our eyes a little at a time. And sometimes they blow in with gale force, shake us to the core, and uproot everything we thought we knew.
Lately, for me, truth has come down in a steady sheet from the heavens into my heart. Like a rainstorm that splashes into your boots and turns your umbrella inside out and soaks you in spite of all protections you thought you had in place, truth has enveloped me... Soaked and shivering I have decided to turn my face to the sky and accept the storm. And with that acceptance comes remarkable growth. I have come to know more about who I am and what I am here for.
I challenge you: when the next rainstorm enters your life, leave the boots and umbrella at home... At least metaphorically... And let yourself get drenched.
I'm usually the person who carries an umbrella in her bag, just in case, but my umbrella broke. And assuming that the day would stay as beautiful as it had been that morning, I didn't think to grab one from the house. In fact, I didn't have any sort of jacket with me at all. So I just let the rain happen.
All around me the bar hoppers of the East Village scurried in super high heels and inappropriately tight jeans: just trying to get from awning to awning without running mascara and mused hair. (And failing gloriously, I might add!) And there I was strolling along toward Union Square as though pounds of water were not poring over me.
The way I see it, you can only get so wet. There's no a-little-bit-soaked, or, sort-of-soaked; there is just soaked. And if I was going to be soaked by the time I got to the train, I might as well walk calmly and not fall on my ass as well. Soaked is better than soaked AND bruised.
As I walked, I began to see a comparison to wet weather and truth.
Sometimes we just meander through life with a sunny day mentality: things are going smoothly, and we are content with the truth as is. These are the wonderful calm seasons in life when we can just bask in peace and simply be. Then there are the foggy or snowy times, when we can't see far in front or behind and we must content ourselves with only seeing the next step, and then the next, and then the next: slowly making our way without any surety of where we will end up.
I look at both of these periods as prepping us for growth. The sun warming us and the fog/snow forcing us to slow down. But we cannot stay in either. Too much sunlight, and we whither and dry up; Too much fog, and we become confused and depressed; Too much snow, and our hearts grow cold.
Enter truth... Those life giving, soul affirming little nuggets that we stumble upon that make the journey worth pursuing. The 'pearls of wisdom' that help us grow, make us change, and confirm what we know.
Sometimes they fall in a soft mist, covering us in fine droplets that reveal their secrets slowly over time. Sometimes they come down in small showers throughout the day; opening our eyes a little at a time. And sometimes they blow in with gale force, shake us to the core, and uproot everything we thought we knew.
Lately, for me, truth has come down in a steady sheet from the heavens into my heart. Like a rainstorm that splashes into your boots and turns your umbrella inside out and soaks you in spite of all protections you thought you had in place, truth has enveloped me... Soaked and shivering I have decided to turn my face to the sky and accept the storm. And with that acceptance comes remarkable growth. I have come to know more about who I am and what I am here for.
I challenge you: when the next rainstorm enters your life, leave the boots and umbrella at home... At least metaphorically... And let yourself get drenched.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Little Realization
A few days ago my tip jar was stolen. Actually, it was a vase. A large vase that once held my sister's wedding bouquet. I brought it into the bakery to replace our old tip jar (which was a fish bowl) because people could reach in and take money off the top easily. We figured something vase shaped would prevent the sticky fingers.
It did. Instead, the 6' 4" petty thief just hid the whole vase (and the $25 in it) in his oversize coat, and took off. He was actually pretty stupid: he talked to me for a long time to get me comfortable, so now I would know him anywhere, and, WE HAVE CAMERAS EVERYWHERE IN THE STORE. Caught you, bastard!
Anyway, the point is not the theft, it's the aftermath. Of course I was in shock, angry, disappointed. I blamed myself. It's not my fault... the smoke detector had been going of for, minutes really, but it felt like hours. On top of that, I'd had a steady stream of people and couldn't turn off the smoke detector. Also, the detector was telling me that there was Carbon Monoxide in the store. (There wasn't, it was a faulty battery.) I was the perfect, scattered-stressed-out target.
Still, I felt like I could have done something more. That's the way it is. Once you have blamed yourself/ been blamed for the big betrayals, you tend to blame yourself for ALL betrayals. And you tend to think that everyone else will blame you to.
But I work at a wonderful place. A place where I am respected, and honestly, protected. No one even entertained a thought that I had any culpability in the theft. My boss and co-workers were concerned for me. Angry for me. We went over security tapes together. And everyone expressed genuine care and concern. I felt enveloped in compassion and love.
I have finally learned how to surround myself with people who are healthy for me. In work. In personal relationships. And so, in a way, I thank the petty thief, because now I see how wonderful the other people in my life are.
It's the little not-so-little things.
It did. Instead, the 6' 4" petty thief just hid the whole vase (and the $25 in it) in his oversize coat, and took off. He was actually pretty stupid: he talked to me for a long time to get me comfortable, so now I would know him anywhere, and, WE HAVE CAMERAS EVERYWHERE IN THE STORE. Caught you, bastard!
Anyway, the point is not the theft, it's the aftermath. Of course I was in shock, angry, disappointed. I blamed myself. It's not my fault... the smoke detector had been going of for, minutes really, but it felt like hours. On top of that, I'd had a steady stream of people and couldn't turn off the smoke detector. Also, the detector was telling me that there was Carbon Monoxide in the store. (There wasn't, it was a faulty battery.) I was the perfect, scattered-stressed-out target.
Still, I felt like I could have done something more. That's the way it is. Once you have blamed yourself/ been blamed for the big betrayals, you tend to blame yourself for ALL betrayals. And you tend to think that everyone else will blame you to.
But I work at a wonderful place. A place where I am respected, and honestly, protected. No one even entertained a thought that I had any culpability in the theft. My boss and co-workers were concerned for me. Angry for me. We went over security tapes together. And everyone expressed genuine care and concern. I felt enveloped in compassion and love.
I have finally learned how to surround myself with people who are healthy for me. In work. In personal relationships. And so, in a way, I thank the petty thief, because now I see how wonderful the other people in my life are.
It's the little not-so-little things.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Where There is Courage
What I truly wish, is that I had no need of a day job at this time. That I just had hours upon hours of day to spend working creatively: not only here, on this blog, but also on the numerous other projects and endeavors that I have my little hands in. Oh, for innumerable hours to exercise my body, mind, and spirit. Oh, for the time to turn those exercises into tiny morsels of truth spilling out into poetry, children's books, my novel and my music.
That time will come as I practice the patience and perseverance needed to turn my every I wish into an everyday facet of life. I believe that I am on the path to being a self-sustaining artist. I will use my many talents to forge the kind of life I want to live. I will work for myself instead of others. I will inspire.
Right now, life is a little complicated. I have been reticent in admitting to myself that working on this blog is a little hard on my psyche. It pushes old buttons and uncovers secrets I had hidden from myself. It is a brave and noble work; a work I hope will be a help and a comfort to others who are taking a similar journey. This does not mean it will be easy. Quite to the contrary, it means that it will be a difficult undertaking much of the time. All things worth doing are.
The other day I was completely out of sorts. Everything was wrong. Having roommates was annoying. Having a job was annoying. Working out was annoying. Not working out was annoying... You get the picture! (I'm sure you've had those days yourself!)
My wonderful roommate and best friend of years is not one to let me wallow in these things. She makes me talk it out. "What are the exact feelings you are feeling?" Anger, sadness, frustration, disillusion. "Why do you think you are feeling that way? What is at the bottom of those feelings?" I don't know. (My standard answer, which usually means: I sort of know but am unwilling to admit/ say at this time.) "When did you start feeling like this?" When I started this blog. (And the tears start.) (But honestly, when are there not tears with me?!)
As I rode the train into the city to go to work, I thought more about this conversation. K had gone on to ask me to think about what this blog meant for others. How it might help, and how I always spoke about how I wanted to help others who had faced harrowing trauma in their childhood.
This is always a good place to start. The desire to help others is noble. It takes us away from our pain. Away from the past and into the present. It multiplies the quantities of love that we are putting out into the universe. It extends us beyond ourselves, into the beautiful collective of souls that make up our mental picture of 'other'.
But I realized that this is not enough. I have to do this writing for myself. It's another step toward loving myself fully, and only when I love me fully will I be able to love you fully as well. I have to vocally acknowledge what my history is. A history that is sometimes dark and sometimes gloriously beautiful. And as I acknowledge and shed light on all the dark corners of my past, I make my present stronger. More solid.
More real.
There is a tendency in abuse survivors to see everything as unreal. The world around is a strange and unsafe place that can change at the whim of others who are physically stronger and more powerful. Those with this power can seem like strange figments of dream: sometimes kind and loving, then changing without forewarning into a monster with fangs and claws. Even the body seems to be a bit of a mirage. It is a toy to played with at the whims of others. It reacts in ways contrary to the survivors wishes. It finds pleasure mixed in with immeasurable pain. The body betrays, others betray, and reality betrays.
Since there is no set reality, the survivor (in this case me), retreats into themself. Into a world of make-believe, where they control the outcome. This is how they can endure abuse at the hands of those who should love them, and still go to school/church/dance class/camp and seem ok, albeit probably a little socially awkward.
For me, I retreated so far into this alternate reality that many pieces of the truth of my life were broken off and buried deep within the subconscious. I fragmented. My mind split into many smaller 'me's'. I would lose time... "wake up" in the middle of a conversation or class and fake my way through like I knew what was being said before. And the pieces of my history I couldn't live with got lost for a long time. I would have strange fuzzy memories that had no context. Memories that had key people and events veritably "blacked out". I thought everyone worked like this and I didn't worry about. In fact, I would have told you I had the best memory in the world.
And then one day, on the One train, on the way to my student job at the Theatre Arts academy I was attending, I had my first real flashback. It was Sunday, a week before labor day... I was 24. It started with a smell. The smell of sweat and car grease and stale heat. I slipped into a memory that had always confused me and made me slightly sick. A memory of my cousins chasing me across their backyard with a broom, cornering me on the edge of their deck, holding me in place with the broom across my chest. I was about 5... they were teenagers. It was Christmas or Thanksgiving and I was wearing a dress. "If you tell, we'll push you off." Off the deck and down the steep embankment behind their house. (I had always wondered, "Tell what?") My Daddy had come out and seen them and made a show of rescuing me by pretending to knock their heads together. Or maybe he really did knock their heads together; he was very angry.
And then the memory rewound, past the beginning I had known all those years, to a new beginning. To playing under the big tree in the backyard. My cousins want to play with me, and since they usually treat me like the biggest annoyance in the world, I am elated. They want to play 'Legend'. I don't like that movie, except for the unicorns, but I saw on their TV earlier that there are devils too. Mommy said it's a bad movie. But I say ok, and I get to be the princess. And it's fun... Until it isn't, and they hurt me in a private place. And that's when I ran.
When it all came back, I thought it was a strange imagination. It haunted me. It made me sick. I felt like I was in shock. But I also felt that it could not really be true, even though something in me was sure that it was. I went to Target that night with K, and I told her a little about the experience. I didn't know it was a flashback. I thought I was making it up, or going crazy.
The next day the tears began. I had been depressed for a long time, but this was different. It was like I was drowning. I could not function at school... I could not function at all. And while a part of me continued to feel like I was making it all up, deep inside I knew. I had a secret history, and I could no longer deny it. The day after labor day I quit school. Though I didn't know it then, I was beginning the most important journey of my life. My healing journey.
And this blog, I now realize, may be the most important step on that journey so far. It is the place where that little girl who was scared into silence can have a voice. It is a place to explain to so many why the expressions of a hidden pain I played out may have caused me to inadvertently hurt them.
It is a place that makes it all worth it.
I wouldn't trade my history for anyone else's. Oh, I have wished at times that it didn't happen... That damaged people didn't do so much damage to the innocent little girl that I was. But now I have a chance to turn it around. To join in the battle to stop abuse by speaking out. To be the one who says the pattern ends here. The abuse ends here.
If you have endured any type of abuse in your life, this entry is dedicated to you. Your journey is long and sometimes hard, and you are the only person who can take it. You, alone. But there is hope. If you stop running from the fear and the anger. If you turn around and face those monsters that chase you, you can fight. You can defeat them. It will take a lifetime... It will take a single moment. You are already stronger than you know, because you survived what the worst of humanity threw at you and you're still going. Remember, if that little child you were could persevere, then you can to.
You have a friend in me, and the many others out there who have stood where you are.
And if you are not a survivor, then you know one. And you can be the support to them that K has been to me. (She has survived her own story too, but I think everyone has, in one way or another.) If we all work together, we can be a community of strength. We can change the present of those who are hurting and offer them a hopeful future.
All it takes is a little courage... And a whole lot of love.
That time will come as I practice the patience and perseverance needed to turn my every I wish into an everyday facet of life. I believe that I am on the path to being a self-sustaining artist. I will use my many talents to forge the kind of life I want to live. I will work for myself instead of others. I will inspire.
Right now, life is a little complicated. I have been reticent in admitting to myself that working on this blog is a little hard on my psyche. It pushes old buttons and uncovers secrets I had hidden from myself. It is a brave and noble work; a work I hope will be a help and a comfort to others who are taking a similar journey. This does not mean it will be easy. Quite to the contrary, it means that it will be a difficult undertaking much of the time. All things worth doing are.
The other day I was completely out of sorts. Everything was wrong. Having roommates was annoying. Having a job was annoying. Working out was annoying. Not working out was annoying... You get the picture! (I'm sure you've had those days yourself!)
My wonderful roommate and best friend of years is not one to let me wallow in these things. She makes me talk it out. "What are the exact feelings you are feeling?" Anger, sadness, frustration, disillusion. "Why do you think you are feeling that way? What is at the bottom of those feelings?" I don't know. (My standard answer, which usually means: I sort of know but am unwilling to admit/ say at this time.) "When did you start feeling like this?" When I started this blog. (And the tears start.) (But honestly, when are there not tears with me?!)
As I rode the train into the city to go to work, I thought more about this conversation. K had gone on to ask me to think about what this blog meant for others. How it might help, and how I always spoke about how I wanted to help others who had faced harrowing trauma in their childhood.
This is always a good place to start. The desire to help others is noble. It takes us away from our pain. Away from the past and into the present. It multiplies the quantities of love that we are putting out into the universe. It extends us beyond ourselves, into the beautiful collective of souls that make up our mental picture of 'other'.
But I realized that this is not enough. I have to do this writing for myself. It's another step toward loving myself fully, and only when I love me fully will I be able to love you fully as well. I have to vocally acknowledge what my history is. A history that is sometimes dark and sometimes gloriously beautiful. And as I acknowledge and shed light on all the dark corners of my past, I make my present stronger. More solid.
More real.
There is a tendency in abuse survivors to see everything as unreal. The world around is a strange and unsafe place that can change at the whim of others who are physically stronger and more powerful. Those with this power can seem like strange figments of dream: sometimes kind and loving, then changing without forewarning into a monster with fangs and claws. Even the body seems to be a bit of a mirage. It is a toy to played with at the whims of others. It reacts in ways contrary to the survivors wishes. It finds pleasure mixed in with immeasurable pain. The body betrays, others betray, and reality betrays.
Since there is no set reality, the survivor (in this case me), retreats into themself. Into a world of make-believe, where they control the outcome. This is how they can endure abuse at the hands of those who should love them, and still go to school/church/dance class/camp and seem ok, albeit probably a little socially awkward.
For me, I retreated so far into this alternate reality that many pieces of the truth of my life were broken off and buried deep within the subconscious. I fragmented. My mind split into many smaller 'me's'. I would lose time... "wake up" in the middle of a conversation or class and fake my way through like I knew what was being said before. And the pieces of my history I couldn't live with got lost for a long time. I would have strange fuzzy memories that had no context. Memories that had key people and events veritably "blacked out". I thought everyone worked like this and I didn't worry about. In fact, I would have told you I had the best memory in the world.
And then one day, on the One train, on the way to my student job at the Theatre Arts academy I was attending, I had my first real flashback. It was Sunday, a week before labor day... I was 24. It started with a smell. The smell of sweat and car grease and stale heat. I slipped into a memory that had always confused me and made me slightly sick. A memory of my cousins chasing me across their backyard with a broom, cornering me on the edge of their deck, holding me in place with the broom across my chest. I was about 5... they were teenagers. It was Christmas or Thanksgiving and I was wearing a dress. "If you tell, we'll push you off." Off the deck and down the steep embankment behind their house. (I had always wondered, "Tell what?") My Daddy had come out and seen them and made a show of rescuing me by pretending to knock their heads together. Or maybe he really did knock their heads together; he was very angry.
And then the memory rewound, past the beginning I had known all those years, to a new beginning. To playing under the big tree in the backyard. My cousins want to play with me, and since they usually treat me like the biggest annoyance in the world, I am elated. They want to play 'Legend'. I don't like that movie, except for the unicorns, but I saw on their TV earlier that there are devils too. Mommy said it's a bad movie. But I say ok, and I get to be the princess. And it's fun... Until it isn't, and they hurt me in a private place. And that's when I ran.
When it all came back, I thought it was a strange imagination. It haunted me. It made me sick. I felt like I was in shock. But I also felt that it could not really be true, even though something in me was sure that it was. I went to Target that night with K, and I told her a little about the experience. I didn't know it was a flashback. I thought I was making it up, or going crazy.
The next day the tears began. I had been depressed for a long time, but this was different. It was like I was drowning. I could not function at school... I could not function at all. And while a part of me continued to feel like I was making it all up, deep inside I knew. I had a secret history, and I could no longer deny it. The day after labor day I quit school. Though I didn't know it then, I was beginning the most important journey of my life. My healing journey.
And this blog, I now realize, may be the most important step on that journey so far. It is the place where that little girl who was scared into silence can have a voice. It is a place to explain to so many why the expressions of a hidden pain I played out may have caused me to inadvertently hurt them.
It is a place that makes it all worth it.
I wouldn't trade my history for anyone else's. Oh, I have wished at times that it didn't happen... That damaged people didn't do so much damage to the innocent little girl that I was. But now I have a chance to turn it around. To join in the battle to stop abuse by speaking out. To be the one who says the pattern ends here. The abuse ends here.
If you have endured any type of abuse in your life, this entry is dedicated to you. Your journey is long and sometimes hard, and you are the only person who can take it. You, alone. But there is hope. If you stop running from the fear and the anger. If you turn around and face those monsters that chase you, you can fight. You can defeat them. It will take a lifetime... It will take a single moment. You are already stronger than you know, because you survived what the worst of humanity threw at you and you're still going. Remember, if that little child you were could persevere, then you can to.
You have a friend in me, and the many others out there who have stood where you are.
And if you are not a survivor, then you know one. And you can be the support to them that K has been to me. (She has survived her own story too, but I think everyone has, in one way or another.) If we all work together, we can be a community of strength. We can change the present of those who are hurting and offer them a hopeful future.
All it takes is a little courage... And a whole lot of love.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
On Cultivating Patience
And now the work begins.
There is so much I want to say everyday... So much I want to write here and I'm having to work very hard to remain patient. I have to remind myself that I just (JUST) started this blog and that I have TIME to say all I need to say. Patience is actually a main theme in my life right now.
See, I love to start things, and then when they don't go exactly the way I think they should, I drop it. I walk away and start something new. I liked to think of myself as a free spirit, when in actuality, I was just too impatient to see much through to its conclusion. I, like pretty much all of Western humanity, want instant gratification. When I don't get it, I decide that it wasn't meant to be.
It's strange, having the realization that I respond this way. I have never been conscious of this. I probably would have told you I was the most patient person ever. I would tell you that I believe that all good things take time. That if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. And while I do want to believe that, my actions have proven time and again that I do not actually follow through on this belief.
The subconscious is a powerful, invisible motivator. It sneaks in and influences actions we aren't even aware of. Driven by triggers from past traumas, conditioning, and sometimes brainwashing, it is a force of extreme yet gentle power. Usually, the subconscious is so subtle that we don't recognize its quiet push in one direction or another. And sadly, our unconscious decisions can have widespread effects in our life.
Take me, and patience, and this blog. My impatience (and, to be honest, fear) kept me from continuing this blog a year ago. I couldn't get my thoughts together in what I thought was a cohesive way. I couldn't figure out how to proceed, and, becoming impatient, I just stopped. I wasn't even aware that that was what I was doing. I just drifted back into the unconscious haze of unawareness.
What my subconscious was doing, was trying to protect me. Writing about incest set off a series of triggers in my mind. All the voices of my abusers (yes, more than one) came back. "I will kill you, or your family, if you tell." "If you don't let me, I will just go find your sister." "No one will believe you, so keep our secret." "If you tell, everyone will know that you asked for this." The fear that these triggers created was more than I could handle. So my subconscious set into place the impatience cycle. I'm only now beginning to realize that it's a cycle I've been falling into my whole life. (One of many.)
I now see this cycle for what it is. And I honor my wonderfully complex brain for being able to protect me. I honor the resilience it took to endure what I did and overcome that fear. I honor that I can now see what was hidden. I honor me.
But I cannot stop there. Once I have become aware of something my subconscious has been influencing, I then have to make a choice. Do I continue to allow this fear based impatience to rob me of things that not only bring me joy, but also allow me to follow my life's purpose? Or do I put in the hard work to change this behavior?
When awareness comes, it brings with it responsibility. I have a responsibility to myself to reverse this pattern of learned impatience. And the beautiful thing is: I can! I can change how I respond. So much in my life right now requires patience. This blog, for starters. The wonderful journey towards physical health and wholeness that I am taking. The children's book I'm creating with my best friend and business partner (in crime!) The magnetic spiritual growth I've been experiencing. All of these wonderful things require patience.
Through practicing self-discipline, and maintaining my sense of humor, I'm working toward cultivating an attitude of patience in all aspects of my life. This mostly begins internally. I'm learning that before I have patience with these external things, I have to have it within. I have to have patience that I'm right where I need to be in any given moment. That while I have come so so far in my healing, I still have kinks to work out. I still have wonderful, beautiful lessons to learn about who I am. I have to learn to have patience with my impatience.
I can. Such lovely little words. Words of hope. Words that can start anything. I can be patient. I can change negative thoughts and behavioral patterns. I can be whole. I can revel in this glorious life with all the ups and downs that create in us wisdom, clarity and love.
I can...
And so can you.
"The real question now:
Will I be able
to rise above the snows -
brave bloom
seeking passage into summer?
Can I maintain,
upright,
finding sustenance
in fluidity and radiance,
Unfalteringly uncompromising
In my journey upward?
Will I find the light I've sought?"
There is so much I want to say everyday... So much I want to write here and I'm having to work very hard to remain patient. I have to remind myself that I just (JUST) started this blog and that I have TIME to say all I need to say. Patience is actually a main theme in my life right now.
See, I love to start things, and then when they don't go exactly the way I think they should, I drop it. I walk away and start something new. I liked to think of myself as a free spirit, when in actuality, I was just too impatient to see much through to its conclusion. I, like pretty much all of Western humanity, want instant gratification. When I don't get it, I decide that it wasn't meant to be.
It's strange, having the realization that I respond this way. I have never been conscious of this. I probably would have told you I was the most patient person ever. I would tell you that I believe that all good things take time. That if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. And while I do want to believe that, my actions have proven time and again that I do not actually follow through on this belief.
The subconscious is a powerful, invisible motivator. It sneaks in and influences actions we aren't even aware of. Driven by triggers from past traumas, conditioning, and sometimes brainwashing, it is a force of extreme yet gentle power. Usually, the subconscious is so subtle that we don't recognize its quiet push in one direction or another. And sadly, our unconscious decisions can have widespread effects in our life.
Take me, and patience, and this blog. My impatience (and, to be honest, fear) kept me from continuing this blog a year ago. I couldn't get my thoughts together in what I thought was a cohesive way. I couldn't figure out how to proceed, and, becoming impatient, I just stopped. I wasn't even aware that that was what I was doing. I just drifted back into the unconscious haze of unawareness.
What my subconscious was doing, was trying to protect me. Writing about incest set off a series of triggers in my mind. All the voices of my abusers (yes, more than one) came back. "I will kill you, or your family, if you tell." "If you don't let me, I will just go find your sister." "No one will believe you, so keep our secret." "If you tell, everyone will know that you asked for this." The fear that these triggers created was more than I could handle. So my subconscious set into place the impatience cycle. I'm only now beginning to realize that it's a cycle I've been falling into my whole life. (One of many.)
I now see this cycle for what it is. And I honor my wonderfully complex brain for being able to protect me. I honor the resilience it took to endure what I did and overcome that fear. I honor that I can now see what was hidden. I honor me.
But I cannot stop there. Once I have become aware of something my subconscious has been influencing, I then have to make a choice. Do I continue to allow this fear based impatience to rob me of things that not only bring me joy, but also allow me to follow my life's purpose? Or do I put in the hard work to change this behavior?
When awareness comes, it brings with it responsibility. I have a responsibility to myself to reverse this pattern of learned impatience. And the beautiful thing is: I can! I can change how I respond. So much in my life right now requires patience. This blog, for starters. The wonderful journey towards physical health and wholeness that I am taking. The children's book I'm creating with my best friend and business partner (in crime!) The magnetic spiritual growth I've been experiencing. All of these wonderful things require patience.
Through practicing self-discipline, and maintaining my sense of humor, I'm working toward cultivating an attitude of patience in all aspects of my life. This mostly begins internally. I'm learning that before I have patience with these external things, I have to have it within. I have to have patience that I'm right where I need to be in any given moment. That while I have come so so far in my healing, I still have kinks to work out. I still have wonderful, beautiful lessons to learn about who I am. I have to learn to have patience with my impatience.
I can. Such lovely little words. Words of hope. Words that can start anything. I can be patient. I can change negative thoughts and behavioral patterns. I can be whole. I can revel in this glorious life with all the ups and downs that create in us wisdom, clarity and love.
I can...
And so can you.
"The real question now:
Will I be able
to rise above the snows -
brave bloom
seeking passage into summer?
Can I maintain,
upright,
finding sustenance
in fluidity and radiance,
Unfalteringly uncompromising
In my journey upward?
Will I find the light I've sought?"
Friday, April 6, 2012
"The one I will become will catch me..."
Hello again.
It has been almost a full year since my last (and first... and only!) post to this blog. And oh what a year it has been!
You can read through the other post if you like. It states that this blog is a place to basically bare my soul about my history of incest. A place to show you the wounds of the past. A place to declare myself a survivor of incest.
My intentions have changed drastically.
You see, my past does not define me. I am so much more than an "incest survivor." I do not have an identifier; I am simply (and not so simply) Keren. There are a million wonderful attributes that make me the absolutely complex and beautiful human that I am at any given moment. I have learned that if I live in the past then I am only a collection of memories. Moreover, if I live in the future then I am nothing more than a vision or dream, without shape and form. So I now choose to live in the moment. And in this one. And this one
You get the picture.
I want to tell the story of now. And interwoven through the arras of now will be snippets of the past and glimpses into the future. These tiny threads of truth and possibility will be the background that will help the brightly colored patterns of today shine through.
There is much I want to share about the wonderful 180 degree turn that my life has taken. About how I've lost four clothing sizes in a little over two months. About how I had absolutely no winter depression this year. About how I've regained my confidence, not only in myself, but in my ability to do my art as well. And most importantly, about how my Spirit has awoken to these fresh new possibilities that surround me. For now I'll leave you with this little bit of an introduction. There is so much time to say all I want to say.
Today I want to dedicate this blog to the power of transformation. To choice and hope and change. To love. Self love, other love... unconditional love. I dedicate it to me and my personal triumphs.
I dedicate it to you, in honor of your personal triumphs.
"I will dance so freely, holding on to no one
You can hold me only if you too will fall
Away from all these useless fears and chains..."
"Let Me Fall" by Josh Groban
It has been almost a full year since my last (and first... and only!) post to this blog. And oh what a year it has been!
You can read through the other post if you like. It states that this blog is a place to basically bare my soul about my history of incest. A place to show you the wounds of the past. A place to declare myself a survivor of incest.
My intentions have changed drastically.
You see, my past does not define me. I am so much more than an "incest survivor." I do not have an identifier; I am simply (and not so simply) Keren. There are a million wonderful attributes that make me the absolutely complex and beautiful human that I am at any given moment. I have learned that if I live in the past then I am only a collection of memories. Moreover, if I live in the future then I am nothing more than a vision or dream, without shape and form. So I now choose to live in the moment. And in this one. And this one
You get the picture.
I want to tell the story of now. And interwoven through the arras of now will be snippets of the past and glimpses into the future. These tiny threads of truth and possibility will be the background that will help the brightly colored patterns of today shine through.
There is much I want to share about the wonderful 180 degree turn that my life has taken. About how I've lost four clothing sizes in a little over two months. About how I had absolutely no winter depression this year. About how I've regained my confidence, not only in myself, but in my ability to do my art as well. And most importantly, about how my Spirit has awoken to these fresh new possibilities that surround me. For now I'll leave you with this little bit of an introduction. There is so much time to say all I want to say.
Today I want to dedicate this blog to the power of transformation. To choice and hope and change. To love. Self love, other love... unconditional love. I dedicate it to me and my personal triumphs.
I dedicate it to you, in honor of your personal triumphs.
"I will dance so freely, holding on to no one
You can hold me only if you too will fall
Away from all these useless fears and chains..."
"Let Me Fall" by Josh Groban
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