And now the work begins.
There is so much I want to say everyday... So much I want to write here and I'm having to work very hard to remain patient. I have to remind myself that I just (JUST) started this blog and that I have TIME to say all I need to say. Patience is actually a main theme in my life right now.
See, I love to start things, and then when they don't go exactly the way I think they should, I drop it. I walk away and start something new. I liked to think of myself as a free spirit, when in actuality, I was just too impatient to see much through to its conclusion. I, like pretty much all of Western humanity, want instant gratification. When I don't get it, I decide that it wasn't meant to be.
It's strange, having the realization that I respond this way. I have never been conscious of this. I probably would have told you I was the most patient person ever. I would tell you that I believe that all good things take time. That if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. And while I do want to believe that, my actions have proven time and again that I do not actually follow through on this belief.
The subconscious is a powerful, invisible motivator. It sneaks in and influences actions we aren't even aware of. Driven by triggers from past traumas, conditioning, and sometimes brainwashing, it is a force of extreme yet gentle power. Usually, the subconscious is so subtle that we don't recognize its quiet push in one direction or another. And sadly, our unconscious decisions can have widespread effects in our life.
Take me, and patience, and this blog. My impatience (and, to be honest, fear) kept me from continuing this blog a year ago. I couldn't get my thoughts together in what I thought was a cohesive way. I couldn't figure out how to proceed, and, becoming impatient, I just stopped. I wasn't even aware that that was what I was doing. I just drifted back into the unconscious haze of unawareness.
What my subconscious was doing, was trying to protect me. Writing about incest set off a series of triggers in my mind. All the voices of my abusers (yes, more than one) came back. "I will kill you, or your family, if you tell." "If you don't let me, I will just go find your sister." "No one will believe you, so keep our secret." "If you tell, everyone will know that you asked for this." The fear that these triggers created was more than I could handle. So my subconscious set into place the impatience cycle. I'm only now beginning to realize that it's a cycle I've been falling into my whole life. (One of many.)
I now see this cycle for what it is. And I honor my wonderfully complex brain for being able to protect me. I honor the resilience it took to endure what I did and overcome that fear. I honor that I can now see what was hidden. I honor me.
But I cannot stop there. Once I have become aware of something my subconscious has been influencing, I then have to make a choice. Do I continue to allow this fear based impatience to rob me of things that not only bring me joy, but also allow me to follow my life's purpose? Or do I put in the hard work to change this behavior?
When awareness comes, it brings with it responsibility. I have a responsibility to myself to reverse this pattern of learned impatience. And the beautiful thing is: I can! I can change how I respond. So much in my life right now requires patience. This blog, for starters. The wonderful journey towards physical health and wholeness that I am taking. The children's book I'm creating with my best friend and business partner (in crime!) The magnetic spiritual growth I've been experiencing. All of these wonderful things require patience.
Through practicing self-discipline, and maintaining my sense of humor, I'm working toward cultivating an attitude of patience in all aspects of my life. This mostly begins internally. I'm learning that before I have patience with these external things, I have to have it within. I have to have patience that I'm right where I need to be in any given moment. That while I have come so so far in my healing, I still have kinks to work out. I still have wonderful, beautiful lessons to learn about who I am. I have to learn to have patience with my impatience.
I can. Such lovely little words. Words of hope. Words that can start anything. I can be patient. I can change negative thoughts and behavioral patterns. I can be whole. I can revel in this glorious life with all the ups and downs that create in us wisdom, clarity and love.
I can...
And so can you.
"The real question now:
Will I be able
to rise above the snows -
brave bloom
seeking passage into summer?
Can I maintain,
upright,
finding sustenance
in fluidity and radiance,
Unfalteringly uncompromising
In my journey upward?
Will I find the light I've sought?"
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