A Butterfly Awakes

Hello!

I'm back from the mini hiatus, and it looks like I will NOT be picking up where I left off. I've had some realizations lately, that make the search for purpose in this time of transition a bit of a moot point.

You see, the transition is the current purpose. What I am doing in each moment of my life, of my day, IS that moment's purpose. My purpose right now is to sit here, on the edge of my bed, typing and listening to classical music. My purpose later will be to go to work. My purpose is to continue the transition into a new and better being. And really, my purpose is to become free of the need for purpose.

If I spend all my time searching for purpose then my only purpose is to search for purpose. I just simply want to be. To always find myself fully engaged in each second of NOW. Because in the end, now is all I ever have. Now is the only place I have ever been. Now is the only thing guaranteed. The past is a collection of stories. The future is a tale not yet told. Now is what matters.

I'll still use some moments to tell the stories of the past, in the hopes that they will make a difference in someone else's now. And I'll use many present moments in the service of a wonderful future. But the moment that matters is this one. That is how I can live a life free of regrets. That is how I can live a life that will inspire. That is how I can truly LIVE.

Yesterday was a day spent in the now. I let each moment take me naturally into the next. I tried to stay present with what was happening and not let what "I need to do next" get in the way. (This kind of living takes practice, and I'm still definitely a beginner!)

I followed my instincts with each step I took and ended up, after a rather full day, on the pier off of 70th street. (It has a number, Pier_____, but I'm not sure what it is.) This is a pier that 'past me' spent much time on. There were moments of happiness and love, and moments of sheer darkness. Every time I have returned to this pier, I have felt all the feelings of the past: all the joy, and all the pain.

A new me walked out onto that pier yesterday. I felt only the joy of the moment... The Hudson still a little pink with the last rays of sunset, the cool evening breezes and the laughter of pre-adolescents so recently released into a new summer of freedom. I knew that the memories of the past moments on the pier were with me, but they did not intrude upon the present. And the darkness? The deep pain that used to haunt me should I return to this place?

It is gone. There was no more darkness. I will never again walk out above those murky waters and wish to be enveloped by them. I want life. Like a butterfly released from it's cocoon, the caterpillar I once was does not exist anymore. That old me is just a story from the past. A story that holds no sway over now. A story that doesn't define me. My being is safe and happy. Filled with joy that comes from deep within, I was able to leave the pier with peace and the freedom to greet the next moment.

This video is a perfect reflection of my now.

Here's to being fully awake.