A Butterfly Awakes

Hello!

I'm back from the mini hiatus, and it looks like I will NOT be picking up where I left off. I've had some realizations lately, that make the search for purpose in this time of transition a bit of a moot point.

You see, the transition is the current purpose. What I am doing in each moment of my life, of my day, IS that moment's purpose. My purpose right now is to sit here, on the edge of my bed, typing and listening to classical music. My purpose later will be to go to work. My purpose is to continue the transition into a new and better being. And really, my purpose is to become free of the need for purpose.

If I spend all my time searching for purpose then my only purpose is to search for purpose. I just simply want to be. To always find myself fully engaged in each second of NOW. Because in the end, now is all I ever have. Now is the only place I have ever been. Now is the only thing guaranteed. The past is a collection of stories. The future is a tale not yet told. Now is what matters.

I'll still use some moments to tell the stories of the past, in the hopes that they will make a difference in someone else's now. And I'll use many present moments in the service of a wonderful future. But the moment that matters is this one. That is how I can live a life free of regrets. That is how I can live a life that will inspire. That is how I can truly LIVE.

Yesterday was a day spent in the now. I let each moment take me naturally into the next. I tried to stay present with what was happening and not let what "I need to do next" get in the way. (This kind of living takes practice, and I'm still definitely a beginner!)

I followed my instincts with each step I took and ended up, after a rather full day, on the pier off of 70th street. (It has a number, Pier_____, but I'm not sure what it is.) This is a pier that 'past me' spent much time on. There were moments of happiness and love, and moments of sheer darkness. Every time I have returned to this pier, I have felt all the feelings of the past: all the joy, and all the pain.

A new me walked out onto that pier yesterday. I felt only the joy of the moment... The Hudson still a little pink with the last rays of sunset, the cool evening breezes and the laughter of pre-adolescents so recently released into a new summer of freedom. I knew that the memories of the past moments on the pier were with me, but they did not intrude upon the present. And the darkness? The deep pain that used to haunt me should I return to this place?

It is gone. There was no more darkness. I will never again walk out above those murky waters and wish to be enveloped by them. I want life. Like a butterfly released from it's cocoon, the caterpillar I once was does not exist anymore. That old me is just a story from the past. A story that holds no sway over now. A story that doesn't define me. My being is safe and happy. Filled with joy that comes from deep within, I was able to leave the pier with peace and the freedom to greet the next moment.

This video is a perfect reflection of my now.

Here's to being fully awake.

Hit the Pause Button

Hey guys!

Just wanted to leave a quick note to let you know that, for a few days, I have to put a hold on my "Purpose/Transition" questions. I have several friends in town, and I want to focus my energies on spending quality time with them. The questions will return on Monday!

I feel like it's such an important thing to sometimes stop the things you have scheduled and just BE with people you love. All the things you "have to do" will wait a day or two.

See you in a day or two. (Or four!)

Gratitude

I love today's blog. I think gratitude is possibly the most important part about changing your life. If you can find even one thing to be grateful for, even in the most dark of times, then you can access hope.

6. Express any gratitude you may feel in this present situation.

-I am grateful that I am healthy.

-I am grateful that I am loved.

-I am grateful for the many sources of positive guidance in my life.

-I am grateful for my best friend. The sister of my soul that I spent the first 19 years of my life searching for. I am grateful that quest was successful.

-I am grateful for ALL my wonderful friends, and their constant support.

-I am grateful for my family, without whom, I would not be who I am becoming now. The timing and placement of my birth among you was preplanned and fortuitous.

-I am grateful for my healthy cats.

-I am grateful for my adorable nieces.

-I am grateful that I get to move to Austin in the foreseeable future.

-I am grateful to get to grow in insight, wisdom, intuition, and power.

-I am grateful for great abundance and wealth.

-I am grateful for New York City and everything living here has taught me.

-I am grateful for a home that I can be comfortable in.

-I am grateful for yummy food.

-I am grateful I am learning to be present in the now… In this moment. And this one. And this…

-I am grateful for the innate gifts I was born with.

-I am grateful for the ability to express myself through the written word; that I am able to use language as a beautiful tool.

-I am grateful I can sing.

-I am grateful I am in intimate relationship with the creator.

I want to challenge you to list what you are grateful for. It's incredibly inspiring. And it seems that the more gratitude you have, the more you find to be grateful for. And that gratitude flows out into everything you do. It's infectious. Others will catch it. A beautiful circle, a cycle, a sequence of gratitude begins, and never ends.

What are you grateful for?!?

Not much to say...

And here comes "day 5"! (This 30 days could last a while.)

5. Vent your grievances about what you're going through.

Only one… I'M SO TIRED!

I mean, seriously, so tired. Sometimes it's just so hard to get up in the morning. And I could nap everyday.

Hehe… This too shall pass, I'm learning to fit into a new physical body and a new spiritual body… It is hard, and rewarding, (and tiring) work!

Opportunity Knocking

I took a day off yesterday, to take care of some life stuff and visit with friends. It was a wonderful day off! Now on to Question 4!

4. What opportunities does your situation offer? What excites you about it?

I have the opportunity to become all that I am meant to be. To explore every hidden place inside and expose them to light. To grow in new directions.

I have the opportunity to ignite the flame of passion within me, and then to pass that candle on to others.

I have the opportunity to challenge myself. To inspire myself. And by so doing, to inspire others.

I have the opportunity to give freely back to God, to the Universe, to myself, and to those closest to me.

I have the opportunity to simply BE.

All of this excites me. I'm excited to become more fully me, more fully who I'm supposed to be!

What opportunities are presenting themselves in your current situation?

Release Fear

Three in a row... So far, so good!

3. What fears do you have in this situation?

Part of what I'm learning in this period of intense growth is the release of fear, so this question is rather complicated for me. I initially want to say that I have none.

I guess in the broad sense I don't have any specifically related to these transitions, but I do have some "secondary fears."

First would be the typical fear of "failing," or in this case, of losing the momentum I have gained and slipping back into old habits. Of making the same bad lifestyle choices I used to make. But I'm seeing more and more that the Journey toward wholeness NEEDS slip-backs. I need to mess up a few times to have actual proof that the new ways work better, and make me feel and behave better, than the old ways.

The other big fear would be the what-others-think-about-this fear. This has more to do with the spiritual changes I'm undergoing. I was raised extremely fundamentalist Christian. And I'm beginning to believe many things about God and the universe that are extremely NOT fundamentalist. These new insights are bringing me into closer relationship with the Divine, with my Purpose, and with my place in the Universe. But they're not beliefs that will be widely accepted by many of my nearest and dearest. I guess I fear their complete rejection of me as begin to grow more confident (and more vocal) in my new beliefs. 

Hmm...

Writing this has made me realize something… 

These are not new beliefs.

These are not ideas that I've randomly picked up. They are thoughts and impressions and insights that I have always had. Questions I wanted to ask even as a young child. Things I wanted to discuss as an adolescent. But I didn't. Because if you question too much, if you allow yourself to doubt, if you don't believe everything you are told, then you are going to Hell.

In the end, it doesn't matter if other people like what I believe or not. My faith, my spirituality… they are my business. It is MY intimate relationship with the Creator. And just like I wouldn't let someone else into my bedroom during an intimate moment, I don't need to let anyone into that intimate space either. 

I think the realization of fears is a necessary step in any change/transition process. If you cannot name and acknowledge what you fear, then you cannot release that fear. And the release of fear is a vital step in growth.

What fears do you need to release?

From Another's Perspective

Day 2. I must say, it already feels strange to be posting something every day!

2. How would an objective stranger view your situation? Someone who cares deeply for you and your well-being?

I guess that a strangers perspective would depend greatly on the stranger's mindset at the time. If they were on a similar Journey, or had been in the past, then I suppose they would be incredibly encouraging. They would say that I was in the exact right place. They would say that these transitions are an opportunity to find my place in the universe, to give back to mankind, and to filter out the past as a way to be fully in the present moment. They would tell me to work toward honing my intuition and perception, so that I do not miss any of the opportunities presented to me.

A stranger who is on a Journey that is completely different from my own might tell me many different things. Some might not care a bit, and just go on with their lives, expecting me to do the same. Some might be fearful of these changes, and caution me to move forward with care. And some might be so fearful that they would assume I've gone off the deep end… That I've taken things too far and may be doing damage to myself either physically or spiritually.

I think that anyone who cares for me would be encouraging, even if they didn't understand everything about where this Journey is taking me. I've had several people tell me lately that they are so proud of me for how far I've come in the past few months… Changing my eating and enhancing my health, writing a children's book and working toward getting it published, blossoming into the wonderful life-giving soul that I was always meant to be. I don't even always see it, but the ones who truly care do. I guess, in fact, that this would be a great way to gauge whether someone is indeed a true friend. If they believe in me and what I'm doing for my life, then they are worth keeping around!

What would you say to me?

Geronimo!

I'm ready to start my "daily blogging in the pursuit of purpose." To start we'll assess the present, then take a quick jaunt through the past, and move on to ponder a beautiful future. I've borrowed questions posed by many quizzes and journals, and by other purpose seekers. Feel free to answer them as well, and to pose your own to me... I will answer as truthfully as I can.

ALLONS-Y!*

1. What is your current situation? What transition(s) are happening in your life right now?

I'm in a constant state of transition these days… So much so, that it is really hard to pinpoint all the specifics.

First, there is physical transition: I'm working hard toward being not only Gluten-Free, but also a refined-sugar-free, chemical-free, organic-when-I-can, at-least-50-percent-raw, Mostly-Vegan. (The mostly being, that, if I'm in a situation where I must eat something animal based, I will NOT be THAT girl… I will not be Trident-face.**) I'm also doing yoga, not every day, but I'm doing it.

As I transition my diet and become more adept at yoga, my body is transitioning as well. It is becoming thinner and stronger. It is doing this painlessly and much more quickly than any diet/exercise plan I've ever tried. Trust me, I have tried many, and spent a lot of money on some of them. I'm learning that, as I make good choices for myself, my body is slowly fitting into it's original shape… The shape I was always meant to be. I am having to learn to think as a 'thin' person, as opposed to a 'fat' person, to help these transitions along smoothly.

These physical changes precipitated a great shift in my consciousness/awareness. I am growing by leaps and bounds spiritually. I'm discovering more about who I am and my purposes here on this planet, this plane of existence. I'm learning about God and the universe and about who human-kind is, and where we are collectively, and where we are going. It's intense and magical and soul changing… and at times extremely difficult. It is always exciting.

These transitions are making me calmer... more positive… more easy-going and easy to be around. They are making me more "me."

That is pretty much the nutshell version of where I am. There will be more detail in subsequent blogs as I answer more self imposed questions!

Love you all!

*French for "Let's go"... The Doctor says it best...
**Trident-face is a sort of inside joke between my best friend and I, pertaining to times when I "can't have something" food-wise... should you happen to know her, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to show you exactly what it looks like!