This blog is in transition.
Which is nothing new: since I am constantly in transition, most things in my life are constantly in transition as well. That being said, you may notice frequent changes to the layout until I find what works for me these days.
Trigger warning: if you are a survivor, please read on with caution. If anything is overwhelming, stop! Take care of yourself... It's so important.
I'm dealing with abuse memories again. This happens periodically as I grow and change and seek deeper healing. For many years the memories were pictures and little else. Sometimes they were triggered by a smell or sound, but then the flashbacks played out like a silent film. My mind is now retrieving the sound and layering it over the pictures.
Sometimes, this is the hardest thing.
Words are powerful at any age, but the words we hear as children mold us in deep and almost immutable ways. This is especially true in traumatic situations. Trauma memories are stored differently than a memory of, say, your first day of school, or your favorite vacation. It is hardwired in and can actually change the shape and function of different areas of the brain. The things a child is told while enduring the trauma of abuse will shape the way they see them self and the world. Keep this in mind: we're going to take a little detour and then come back.
Over the past couple of weeks I have had some situations, both personal and via social media, that have made me feel beautiful. You're probably thinking, "Great!", because everyone should have moments that make them feel special and wanted and beautiful. But I noticed that, while I talk a good game about self love and acceptance, I actually shy away from feeling that sometimes. So I began to analyze why.
I began to see that feeling beautiful brought with it feelings of fear, and self loathing, and guilt. And I thought, "This is bizarre." Because isn't feeling beautiful something most women want. We spend countless hours and thousands of dollars over our lifetimes to grab this elusive feeling, so why would it frighten me? Paralyze me. Make me want to hide away in shame.
I felt little. Helpless. Like the trapped child I once was. And this induced the memories I spoke of earlier, with the words placed over the pictures I've had for a while:
"I'm doing you a favor. You're so ugly, no one will want to be your boyfriend. No one will want to kiss you like me. I'm helping you out... But maybe you'll be pretty one day, and everyone will want you. And then you can give them what they want, because I taught you so good."
(I want to throw up writing the words. I want to throw up that anyone else will read the words. But you know what? Words have the power you give them, so I'm going to keep using mine to fight, to heal, and to help others.)
The messages I learned from those words were that I was ugly and unloveable as a child, and that if I did become pretty at some point, I would still be used as a thing and discarded after. Ugly, nasty messages that buried into my unconscious mind and put out deep roots.
Lies. But lies I believed, because I wasn't even aware of where they had come from. I didn't know why I always believed the negative things people said about me, but I did. All the bullying words I heard in school: fat, ugly, four-eyes, freak... I believed them and thought myself unworthy of love and friendship. All because of messages I received as a toddler and pre-schooler and pre-teen, before I had the mental capacity to process anything that was happening to me.
And I didn't just believe these lies, I ran from any truth that someone might give about my beauty. All compliments were dangerous and embarrassing, because, while ugly was heartbreaking, it was familiar. It was a lie I was at home with. Beauty was dangerous. Beauty got you gawked at, and groped, and raped... Beauty was death, and I wasn't even aware of why.
Someone asked me on a FaceBook post the other day how I couldn't know I was beautiful. It isn't so much that I don't know. It's that it's been too dangerous to fully embrace the concept of personal beauty. Like I said, I talk a good game, but believing everything I say is sometimes very scary. I'm getting better at believing though; unpacking the memories definitely helps.
Perspective is everything.
I do a lot of driving on tiny, curvy, hilly Texas roads near my hometown. It's gorgeous, but also slightly dangerous. If you don't know the roads you can definitely take some of the curves too fast and end up careening into a ditch. There are deer and wild boar and coyotes along the highways. Storms bring sudden hail, high winds, and flash floods. It is truly still a wild and primitive country, in spite of all the pavement and fences.
Driving tonight, I had one of those glorious epiphany moments that lift you up and show you a little more of the reality of your soul. I'm choosing to embrace my beauty like the Texas prairie I love: something wild, untamable, and maybe a little dangerous... But also breathtaking and awe-inspiring. I'm not saying this to fish for compliments, those still make me a little uncomfortable. (Hey, growth and healing take their own time!)
I'm saying it, because believing in my beauty will heal this wound. Lessen this scar. Ease this pain. I'm saying it, because that little girl who still hides in the corner of my heart deserves to be seen. She deserves to feel like the princess she always was. She deserves light, and love, and sparkly tiaras. So I'm going to teach her that being beautiful is not shameful. She will not be hurt for being beautiful. She will find even more love there, in that shining place, than she ever could have imagined. And she can heal just a little bit more.
You are beautiful too... And I love you.
"Listen. This is just a dream. But very clever people can hear dreams. So please just listen. I know you're afraid, but being afraid is all right. Because didn't anybody ever tell you? Fear is a superpower. Fear can make you faster, and cleverer, and stronger... If you're very wise and very strong, fear doesn't have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind... So listen. If you listen to nothing else, listen to this: you're always going to be afraid, even if you learn to hide it. Fear is like a companion. A constant companion, always there. But that's okay. Because fear can bring us together. Fear can bring you home."
-Clara, Doctor Who, Season 8, Episode 4 'Listen'
Monday, August 24, 2015
Sunday, August 26, 2012
"I picked up every piece, and landed on my feet..."
This day does not go by un-marked, un-appriciated, unnoticed. This Sunday before the weekend-before-Labor-Day... No matter what is going on in my life. No matter what I have to do or get done. No matter where I am.
Time stops on this day. Held in remembrance and a vague sense of awe. Of things unfinished, and almost un-begun.
This day, seven years ago, when the first puzzle piece dropped into place, and I remembered what I already knew. I don't even know what the trigger was: a smell, a small indiscernible sound, the rhythmic clack of the 1 train. And the pictures played in slideshow formation in the blur of darkness outside the train window. My story being retold to me. The first flashback...
And the world I had so comfortably created began to fall around me. My tower crashing down until there was nothing but reality... My reality. A reality revealed all at once, in little tiny bits.
And from the rubble something new arose... Phoenix like, but with the fire within, to try to change what has been. To burn light into dark corners and shed secrets like skin. The beautiful truth that life always springs from every little death.
And on this seventh day of remembrance a new completion comes. Seven... the number of perfection, of completion, of an ending leading to a new beginning... Trepidation of new overshadowed by the beauty of all that has transpired. That the completing continues. Awake to all that was before, I awaken now to the wonder of all that is around me... And the wonder of things unseen.
"I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend"
-'Wide Awake' by Katy Perry
Time stops on this day. Held in remembrance and a vague sense of awe. Of things unfinished, and almost un-begun.
This day, seven years ago, when the first puzzle piece dropped into place, and I remembered what I already knew. I don't even know what the trigger was: a smell, a small indiscernible sound, the rhythmic clack of the 1 train. And the pictures played in slideshow formation in the blur of darkness outside the train window. My story being retold to me. The first flashback...
And the world I had so comfortably created began to fall around me. My tower crashing down until there was nothing but reality... My reality. A reality revealed all at once, in little tiny bits.
And from the rubble something new arose... Phoenix like, but with the fire within, to try to change what has been. To burn light into dark corners and shed secrets like skin. The beautiful truth that life always springs from every little death.
And on this seventh day of remembrance a new completion comes. Seven... the number of perfection, of completion, of an ending leading to a new beginning... Trepidation of new overshadowed by the beauty of all that has transpired. That the completing continues. Awake to all that was before, I awaken now to the wonder of all that is around me... And the wonder of things unseen.
"I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend"
-'Wide Awake' by Katy Perry
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Survival of the Fittest?
This isn't going to be a long post... I just wanted to share this article.
If you are a survivor, please read with care and caution, as it has a few potential triggers. It speaks of the need, as a society, for us to protect our species by protecting our young from predators... From those that prey upon children for their own gratification. It speaks of how most evolved animals do not tolerate those that kill or ignore their young, but humans, the most evolved of all, do.
The most amazing thing to me? This article was written in 1998, and is STILL relevant today. It should be more outdated... We should be a society that cares for our children better... And we still do not. Incest and child abuse in all it's various forms are still the secrets we keep. They are still the things that, as adults, we are told to just get over. Yet it's true, the damage done by abuse creates damaged adults who often cannot care for their young, or choose not to have any, or worst of all, abuse others. Maybe if we begin to see that this cycle could actually DESTROY OUR SPECIES... Maybe then we'll begin to do a little more about it.
If you are a survivor, please read with care and caution, as it has a few potential triggers. It speaks of the need, as a society, for us to protect our species by protecting our young from predators... From those that prey upon children for their own gratification. It speaks of how most evolved animals do not tolerate those that kill or ignore their young, but humans, the most evolved of all, do.
The most amazing thing to me? This article was written in 1998, and is STILL relevant today. It should be more outdated... We should be a society that cares for our children better... And we still do not. Incest and child abuse in all it's various forms are still the secrets we keep. They are still the things that, as adults, we are told to just get over. Yet it's true, the damage done by abuse creates damaged adults who often cannot care for their young, or choose not to have any, or worst of all, abuse others. Maybe if we begin to see that this cycle could actually DESTROY OUR SPECIES... Maybe then we'll begin to do a little more about it.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Chick-Fil-A
Unless you have been kept away from the internet, or, I presume, television, you probably have heard the uproar over Chick-Fil-A. (I say 'I presume' about the T.V., because I don't really watch it anymore, so I don't know if it's been on the news.) Depending on your personal views and the part of the country you live in, you have probably formed some sort of opinion about this current controversy.
(Which has somehow over-shadowed the tragedy in Colorado... Which I think is a way of deflecting our fear... Which is why I think people are so up in arms right now... But that's not what this blog is about.)
Both sides of the gay-marriage, gay-equality, gay-rights issue believe they're right. And both are so sure of themselves... And so sure of the 'evilness' of the other side... That they cannot, and will not, hear each other out. And the din is so noisy, the back-biting so vicious, that honestly, I think 50 years down the road we will blush at what we have said and done to one another in the name of 'right'.
I have the wonderfully unique position of having lived in a very conservative state and a very liberal state. I have friends across the country who fall all along the continuum on this issue. And while I hold the belief that homosexuality is not wrong, and that even if you believe it is, you shouldn't take legal action to prevent gay marriage, I respect that others have differing opinions. I believe that I cannot make anyone else believe as I do, and if I want to air my beliefs, I have to allow them to do the same. If I expect respect, I must give it.
I was given that respect by other friends... Because there was a time I would have damned you to hell myself for being gay, or having an abortion, or checking out a woman's ass in line at the super market. I was judgmental and harsh and not at all the example of Jesus that I read about. Thankfully, I was not written off, by these friends or my loving wonderful God. I spread hate. And now I realize that. And now I try to spread love. And it took a long personal Journey to get here.
That Journey was so important to my growth as a person, and I wouldn't deny anyone else their own Journey. And if I yell my beliefs in the faces of others who are not in the same place I am, then I cause them to shut down and stop growing in whichever way they need to grow for their personal Journey. And I don't get to decide if that growth is in a direction that I would like to have them go. They have their own Journey and their own decisions to make... I cannot tell them which decision, which belief, is right for them.
This doesn't mean that I don't share what I believe. It doesn't mean I don't speak out about injustice when I see it. It just means that I recognize that pushing my belief on someone else gets me no where but alone, and anger and resentment get me nothing but frustrated.
So now we circle back to Chick-Fil-A. I personally didn't eat there anyway... Fast food is far too dangerous for the Gluten-intolerant, and I try to stay away from eating animal products as much as possible. But now I will not eat there, ever... Even if they come out with the most amazing Gluten-free, vegan thing I've ever seen! It's a personal decision... and not one based on the fact that the CEO said in interviews that he believes in traditional marriage... He can believe that all he wants, and as long a he isn't discriminatory in the practices in his stores, I just don't care.
I won't give money to Chick-Fil-A, because then that money might go to organizations that, under the name of the God I love, hate on many of the people that I love. Over $2 million of this companies money has already been funneled into organizations I don't agree with; many of which have actually earned the label "hate group." Ex-gay and anti-gay 'ministries' have wounded many beautiful souls in their desire (and I think a desire they believe is born of love) to help 'cure' homosexuality. Reparative therapies and pray-away-the-gay tactics have caused many to fall into deep depressions when they just can't be 'normal.' And MANY of these lovely and conflicted people have taken their own lives out of despair. Often kids are sent away from home, against their own will, to be given this sort of therapy. This is a destructive pattern that must stop... All life is precious, and I will not give my money to a company that funds these types of organizations.
(And I'm not spouting rhetoric here, I've personally seen what this kind of therapy does to people. I've seen the despair when someone has done all they can to "not be gay" and has to choose between a sort of hell-on-earth half-life, or, the hell of a different sort if they cannot change. And I was a part of perpetuating this pain not too long ago.)
I think that if you are a gay adult who truly believes that God abhors homosexuality and wants you to change, then you should go ahead and follow your beliefs. But I think this purported change should not include reparative or aversion therapy or any other sort of shaming tactics. Shame is not of God. (Humility is... but never shame. Humility builds love and compassion. Shame sends you into spirals of despair and self-destructiveness.)
So, to my friends on the conservative side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the liberal side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you. Speak calmly, compassionately, and with the understanding that God's love extends to everyone. Make your choices and stand up for your beliefs, but not at the expense of another. Many liberal people I know cannot even talk about the possibility of God because they have felt so attacked by conservative Christianity. And get to really know someone who is gay. Realize their humanity. If you do, you may begin to see that they have many of the same desires for love and comfort and friendship that you do. Remember that Jesus spoke against the hypocrisy of the religious leaders of his day, while extending his hand to the rough-and-tumble of society: fishermen, tax collectors and prostitutes. We are ALL children of God... Make peace with your brothers and sisters on 'the other side.'
To my friends on the liberal side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the conservative side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you.
Many in the conservative Christian world see the tactics of the liberal left as bullying and discriminatory toward religious freedoms. Befriend those who believe differently from you and treat them with all the love and kindness you can muster. Treat them the way you expect them to treat you! I think the left needs to begin to realize that this war of words that is put out there daily is off-putting to the right. Be the bigger person, and show 'the other side' that you are a beautiful important human with light and love to give the world. Become the change you want to see in the world. If we believe that gay marriage is about love, then we have to show the world how well we can love!
So, I pick a 'side', I suppose.
But only in the hopes that somewhere down the road there won't be a side to choose. That somewhere down the road, we choose to bring peace, and hope, and above all, love, into the center of our differences. To understand that, though we are all wonderfully unique, we are also all wonderfully the same. We are all lovely little pieces of humanity, journeying together... trying to work out our lives... our spirituality and morality and mortality... in the best way we know how. And what we really need, what we really crave, is compassion, understanding, and the freedom to make our own choices. What we really need is to give love, and to be loved equally in return. Be a catalyst of love and light up your world... Heaven knows we need it.
I love you all.
K
"Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
(Which has somehow over-shadowed the tragedy in Colorado... Which I think is a way of deflecting our fear... Which is why I think people are so up in arms right now... But that's not what this blog is about.)
Both sides of the gay-marriage, gay-equality, gay-rights issue believe they're right. And both are so sure of themselves... And so sure of the 'evilness' of the other side... That they cannot, and will not, hear each other out. And the din is so noisy, the back-biting so vicious, that honestly, I think 50 years down the road we will blush at what we have said and done to one another in the name of 'right'.
I have the wonderfully unique position of having lived in a very conservative state and a very liberal state. I have friends across the country who fall all along the continuum on this issue. And while I hold the belief that homosexuality is not wrong, and that even if you believe it is, you shouldn't take legal action to prevent gay marriage, I respect that others have differing opinions. I believe that I cannot make anyone else believe as I do, and if I want to air my beliefs, I have to allow them to do the same. If I expect respect, I must give it.
I was given that respect by other friends... Because there was a time I would have damned you to hell myself for being gay, or having an abortion, or checking out a woman's ass in line at the super market. I was judgmental and harsh and not at all the example of Jesus that I read about. Thankfully, I was not written off, by these friends or my loving wonderful God. I spread hate. And now I realize that. And now I try to spread love. And it took a long personal Journey to get here.
That Journey was so important to my growth as a person, and I wouldn't deny anyone else their own Journey. And if I yell my beliefs in the faces of others who are not in the same place I am, then I cause them to shut down and stop growing in whichever way they need to grow for their personal Journey. And I don't get to decide if that growth is in a direction that I would like to have them go. They have their own Journey and their own decisions to make... I cannot tell them which decision, which belief, is right for them.
This doesn't mean that I don't share what I believe. It doesn't mean I don't speak out about injustice when I see it. It just means that I recognize that pushing my belief on someone else gets me no where but alone, and anger and resentment get me nothing but frustrated.
So now we circle back to Chick-Fil-A. I personally didn't eat there anyway... Fast food is far too dangerous for the Gluten-intolerant, and I try to stay away from eating animal products as much as possible. But now I will not eat there, ever... Even if they come out with the most amazing Gluten-free, vegan thing I've ever seen! It's a personal decision... and not one based on the fact that the CEO said in interviews that he believes in traditional marriage... He can believe that all he wants, and as long a he isn't discriminatory in the practices in his stores, I just don't care.
I won't give money to Chick-Fil-A, because then that money might go to organizations that, under the name of the God I love, hate on many of the people that I love. Over $2 million of this companies money has already been funneled into organizations I don't agree with; many of which have actually earned the label "hate group." Ex-gay and anti-gay 'ministries' have wounded many beautiful souls in their desire (and I think a desire they believe is born of love) to help 'cure' homosexuality. Reparative therapies and pray-away-the-gay tactics have caused many to fall into deep depressions when they just can't be 'normal.' And MANY of these lovely and conflicted people have taken their own lives out of despair. Often kids are sent away from home, against their own will, to be given this sort of therapy. This is a destructive pattern that must stop... All life is precious, and I will not give my money to a company that funds these types of organizations.
(And I'm not spouting rhetoric here, I've personally seen what this kind of therapy does to people. I've seen the despair when someone has done all they can to "not be gay" and has to choose between a sort of hell-on-earth half-life, or, the hell of a different sort if they cannot change. And I was a part of perpetuating this pain not too long ago.)
I think that if you are a gay adult who truly believes that God abhors homosexuality and wants you to change, then you should go ahead and follow your beliefs. But I think this purported change should not include reparative or aversion therapy or any other sort of shaming tactics. Shame is not of God. (Humility is... but never shame. Humility builds love and compassion. Shame sends you into spirals of despair and self-destructiveness.)
So, to my friends on the conservative side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the liberal side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you. Speak calmly, compassionately, and with the understanding that God's love extends to everyone. Make your choices and stand up for your beliefs, but not at the expense of another. Many liberal people I know cannot even talk about the possibility of God because they have felt so attacked by conservative Christianity. And get to really know someone who is gay. Realize their humanity. If you do, you may begin to see that they have many of the same desires for love and comfort and friendship that you do. Remember that Jesus spoke against the hypocrisy of the religious leaders of his day, while extending his hand to the rough-and-tumble of society: fishermen, tax collectors and prostitutes. We are ALL children of God... Make peace with your brothers and sisters on 'the other side.'
To my friends on the liberal side of this issue: Use the love of God in conversing with people on the conservative side. Recognize that they are coming from a very different background/place than you.
Many in the conservative Christian world see the tactics of the liberal left as bullying and discriminatory toward religious freedoms. Befriend those who believe differently from you and treat them with all the love and kindness you can muster. Treat them the way you expect them to treat you! I think the left needs to begin to realize that this war of words that is put out there daily is off-putting to the right. Be the bigger person, and show 'the other side' that you are a beautiful important human with light and love to give the world. Become the change you want to see in the world. If we believe that gay marriage is about love, then we have to show the world how well we can love!
So, I pick a 'side', I suppose.
But only in the hopes that somewhere down the road there won't be a side to choose. That somewhere down the road, we choose to bring peace, and hope, and above all, love, into the center of our differences. To understand that, though we are all wonderfully unique, we are also all wonderfully the same. We are all lovely little pieces of humanity, journeying together... trying to work out our lives... our spirituality and morality and mortality... in the best way we know how. And what we really need, what we really crave, is compassion, understanding, and the freedom to make our own choices. What we really need is to give love, and to be loved equally in return. Be a catalyst of love and light up your world... Heaven knows we need it.
I love you all.
K
"Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A Butterfly Awakes
Hello!
I'm back from the mini hiatus, and it looks like I will NOT be picking up where I left off. I've had some realizations lately, that make the search for purpose in this time of transition a bit of a moot point.
You see, the transition is the current purpose. What I am doing in each moment of my life, of my day, IS that moment's purpose. My purpose right now is to sit here, on the edge of my bed, typing and listening to classical music. My purpose later will be to go to work. My purpose is to continue the transition into a new and better being. And really, my purpose is to become free of the need for purpose.
If I spend all my time searching for purpose then my only purpose is to search for purpose. I just simply want to be. To always find myself fully engaged in each second of NOW. Because in the end, now is all I ever have. Now is the only place I have ever been. Now is the only thing guaranteed. The past is a collection of stories. The future is a tale not yet told. Now is what matters.
I'll still use some moments to tell the stories of the past, in the hopes that they will make a difference in someone else's now. And I'll use many present moments in the service of a wonderful future. But the moment that matters is this one. That is how I can live a life free of regrets. That is how I can live a life that will inspire. That is how I can truly LIVE.
Yesterday was a day spent in the now. I let each moment take me naturally into the next. I tried to stay present with what was happening and not let what "I need to do next" get in the way. (This kind of living takes practice, and I'm still definitely a beginner!)
I followed my instincts with each step I took and ended up, after a rather full day, on the pier off of 70th street. (It has a number, Pier_____, but I'm not sure what it is.) This is a pier that 'past me' spent much time on. There were moments of happiness and love, and moments of sheer darkness. Every time I have returned to this pier, I have felt all the feelings of the past: all the joy, and all the pain.
A new me walked out onto that pier yesterday. I felt only the joy of the moment... The Hudson still a little pink with the last rays of sunset, the cool evening breezes and the laughter of pre-adolescents so recently released into a new summer of freedom. I knew that the memories of the past moments on the pier were with me, but they did not intrude upon the present. And the darkness? The deep pain that used to haunt me should I return to this place?
It is gone. There was no more darkness. I will never again walk out above those murky waters and wish to be enveloped by them. I want life. Like a butterfly released from it's cocoon, the caterpillar I once was does not exist anymore. That old me is just a story from the past. A story that holds no sway over now. A story that doesn't define me. My being is safe and happy. Filled with joy that comes from deep within, I was able to leave the pier with peace and the freedom to greet the next moment.
This video is a perfect reflection of my now.
Here's to being fully awake.
I'm back from the mini hiatus, and it looks like I will NOT be picking up where I left off. I've had some realizations lately, that make the search for purpose in this time of transition a bit of a moot point.
You see, the transition is the current purpose. What I am doing in each moment of my life, of my day, IS that moment's purpose. My purpose right now is to sit here, on the edge of my bed, typing and listening to classical music. My purpose later will be to go to work. My purpose is to continue the transition into a new and better being. And really, my purpose is to become free of the need for purpose.
If I spend all my time searching for purpose then my only purpose is to search for purpose. I just simply want to be. To always find myself fully engaged in each second of NOW. Because in the end, now is all I ever have. Now is the only place I have ever been. Now is the only thing guaranteed. The past is a collection of stories. The future is a tale not yet told. Now is what matters.
I'll still use some moments to tell the stories of the past, in the hopes that they will make a difference in someone else's now. And I'll use many present moments in the service of a wonderful future. But the moment that matters is this one. That is how I can live a life free of regrets. That is how I can live a life that will inspire. That is how I can truly LIVE.
Yesterday was a day spent in the now. I let each moment take me naturally into the next. I tried to stay present with what was happening and not let what "I need to do next" get in the way. (This kind of living takes practice, and I'm still definitely a beginner!)
I followed my instincts with each step I took and ended up, after a rather full day, on the pier off of 70th street. (It has a number, Pier_____, but I'm not sure what it is.) This is a pier that 'past me' spent much time on. There were moments of happiness and love, and moments of sheer darkness. Every time I have returned to this pier, I have felt all the feelings of the past: all the joy, and all the pain.
A new me walked out onto that pier yesterday. I felt only the joy of the moment... The Hudson still a little pink with the last rays of sunset, the cool evening breezes and the laughter of pre-adolescents so recently released into a new summer of freedom. I knew that the memories of the past moments on the pier were with me, but they did not intrude upon the present. And the darkness? The deep pain that used to haunt me should I return to this place?
It is gone. There was no more darkness. I will never again walk out above those murky waters and wish to be enveloped by them. I want life. Like a butterfly released from it's cocoon, the caterpillar I once was does not exist anymore. That old me is just a story from the past. A story that holds no sway over now. A story that doesn't define me. My being is safe and happy. Filled with joy that comes from deep within, I was able to leave the pier with peace and the freedom to greet the next moment.
This video is a perfect reflection of my now.
Here's to being fully awake.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Hit the Pause Button
Hey guys!
Just wanted to leave a quick note to let you know that, for a few days, I have to put a hold on my "Purpose/Transition" questions. I have several friends in town, and I want to focus my energies on spending quality time with them. The questions will return on Monday!
I feel like it's such an important thing to sometimes stop the things you have scheduled and just BE with people you love. All the things you "have to do" will wait a day or two.
See you in a day or two. (Or four!)
Just wanted to leave a quick note to let you know that, for a few days, I have to put a hold on my "Purpose/Transition" questions. I have several friends in town, and I want to focus my energies on spending quality time with them. The questions will return on Monday!
I feel like it's such an important thing to sometimes stop the things you have scheduled and just BE with people you love. All the things you "have to do" will wait a day or two.
See you in a day or two. (Or four!)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Gratitude
I love today's blog. I think gratitude is possibly the most important part about changing your life. If you can find even one thing to be grateful for, even in the most dark of times, then you can access hope.
I want to challenge you to list what you are grateful for. It's incredibly inspiring. And it seems that the more gratitude you have, the more you find to be grateful for. And that gratitude flows out into everything you do. It's infectious. Others will catch it. A beautiful circle, a cycle, a sequence of gratitude begins, and never ends.
What are you grateful for?!?
6. Express any gratitude you may feel in this present situation.
-I am grateful that I am healthy.
-I am grateful that I am loved.
-I am grateful for the many sources of positive guidance in my life.
-I am grateful for my best friend. The sister of my soul that I spent the first 19 years of my life searching for. I am grateful that quest was successful.
-I am grateful for ALL my wonderful friends, and their constant support.
-I am grateful for my family, without whom, I would not be who I am becoming now. The timing and placement of my birth among you was preplanned and fortuitous.
-I am grateful for my healthy cats.
-I am grateful for my adorable nieces.
-I am grateful that I get to move to Austin in the foreseeable future.
-I am grateful to get to grow in insight, wisdom, intuition, and power.
-I am grateful for great abundance and wealth.
-I am grateful for New York City and everything living here has taught me.
-I am grateful for a home that I can be comfortable in.
-I am grateful for yummy food.
-I am grateful I am learning to be present in the now… In this moment. And this one. And this…
-I am grateful for the innate gifts I was born with.
-I am grateful for the ability to express myself through the written word; that I am able to use language as a beautiful tool.
-I am grateful I can sing.
-I am grateful I am in intimate relationship with the creator.
I want to challenge you to list what you are grateful for. It's incredibly inspiring. And it seems that the more gratitude you have, the more you find to be grateful for. And that gratitude flows out into everything you do. It's infectious. Others will catch it. A beautiful circle, a cycle, a sequence of gratitude begins, and never ends.
What are you grateful for?!?
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